THE TWO TOWERS, CONDENSED By Molly Winter and Grace Swickard   CARADHRAS GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain? BALROG: Who cares? It's freezing cold up here. I give up. GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year... EMYN MUIL SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock in the middle of MORDOR. FRODO: Well, here we are. Two 3’6” hobbits carrying the most evil thing in Middle Earth, trying to get to the most evil place on Earth so we can enter a giant burning volcano and drop it in, weanwhile dodging orcs, a giant eye, and a slimy little frog thing. SAM: Yeah. This doesn’t look very good, Mr. Frodo. FRODO: O, come on Sam. It’s not that bad. And plus, aren’t you supposed to be the optimist? You know, the every-cloud-has-a-silver-lining kinda guy? SAM: Well, if this was a basketball game, who would you be betting on, Sauron or Hobbits? FRODO: Well, at least we haven’t seen Gollum for a while! GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO. FRODO: Darn it. SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM. GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses. FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko. GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses? SAM: (muttering) Freak. RIDDERMARK EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark... LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this guy who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites. ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..? EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned. ARAGORN: Thank you; that's..useful... EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses. FANGORN FOREST MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai! PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? The tree is moving. MERRY: Funny, Pippin. Trees don’t move. TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments! MERRY: Ooops. TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off. FANGORN FOREST (next day) GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me? ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive! LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it! EDORAS AUTHOR: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less. THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself. GRIMA: That's the way I like it. GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses! THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, darn, my son's dead. GRIMA: Hmm. I better run. ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep. EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome! You wouldn’t happen to be engaged, would you? ARAGORN: Uh, depends on who wants to know. EOWYN: Someone who believes in love at first sight. *blink blink* ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along. EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: Wargs! LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses. Suddenly, they all hear a chourus of screams. GIMLI: What was that awful noise? LEGOLAS: Um, wargs dying? ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks. GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff! ARAGORN falls off cliff. LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression! RIVENDELL ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN kissing him. ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream. ARWEN: Why do you say that? ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book. ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy. ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you kissing me, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or Gimli HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS. LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you? ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too. RIVENDELL GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond? ELROND: Yes, speaking. GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel. ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you? GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo. ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately. GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do. ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wimp, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter... GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball. ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call. GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond? GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you? ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy! GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that. ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something? GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep. GALADRIEL: Yeah, and? GANDALF: And they need your help, moron. GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. Though probably even HE can’t help those humans. HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die. ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious. LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty. ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king. GIMLI: And both of you are jealous of me because… ARAGORN and LEGOLAS look at GIMLI GIMILI: Because, um, nevermind FANGORN FOREST PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders... MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine. ITHILIEN SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches. GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss! SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor. GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious. FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest. SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill. GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes... FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming. SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney... FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart! GOLLUM: Where? SAM: Where? FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us? FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home. FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away. HELM'S DEEP ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really serious people at the gate. They have bows. Big bows. ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in. ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short. LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are! HENNETH ANNUN FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly? FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam. FARAMIR: Your...bodyguard? SAM: His gardener. FARAMIR: Ohh, well, welcome to the show. First question: Sam, ‘Why are you here?’ For 100 SAM: We, um, wanted to, um, save the Oliphaunts! FARAMIR: Sorry, wrong answer. Frodo? FRODO: I’ll take ‘Who did you travel with?’ For 400 FARAMIR: Who did you travel with? FRODO: A wizard, two hobbits, an elf, a dwarf, Aragorn and Boromir. FARAMIR: Correct! Now, were you Boromir’s friend? FRODO: Uh, well, can I pass on that one? FARAMIR: Nope, it’s the Daily Double. HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people... LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you. ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience. GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me! ARAGORN: Wow! So did you have an uncharacteristic change of heart or are you just ignoring your Dwarven pride? GIMLI: Grr! Don’t rub it in, or else I’ll put in a complaint to the Short People Proctection Agency. ARAGORN: Alright. Red rover, red rover, I’m sending Gimli right over! GIMLI: Wait! Just, don’t tell the elf. FANGORN FOREST TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do anything. PIPPIN: I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too! PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry. MERRY: Am I? Thanks. TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home. PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him. MERRY: Good plan. No girl could ever resist you when you did that in parties at the Shire. PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease? TREEBEARD: Ooom....Darn it, hoom..how can I say no to those eyes. OSGILIATH FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs. FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat. SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul... FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment. SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it. FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude. FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech. SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time... ISENGARD TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place. TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK! MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world. PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that. SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character... HELM'S DEEP GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer. ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally! GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back. ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough. SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced... FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam... ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though... EOWYN: What? ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away. AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool. ISENGARD TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once. Unless you wait til the Extended Edition. OSGILIATH SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to- FRODO: SAM!! SAM: What? FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on. SAM: Oh. Oh, good. EN ROUTE TO MORDOR SAM: They're going to tell stories about us. You know, write a book that will be beloved for all time. FRODO: Haha. While you’re at it, why don’t you wish they would make a movie too? SAM: Yeah, and they would choose such cute actors that girls would fight about who looked the best. FRODO: Ha! And everyone would agree that Sauron would win the Hottest Actor of the Year Award. SAM: Wait. If they write a book, and the book says we say different things, would we be differing from the book, or would the book be differing from us? Or would we both be wrong? Or would- FRODO: Give it up, Sam. You’re starting to confuse me. GOLLUM: Yesss. Hobbitses very confusssing. Don’t need more confusssion, preciousss. SAM: Huh? You’re not making sense, you slimy freak. GOLLUM: Nevermind, fat hobbit. (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses... PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"? PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP! Stay tuned for … The Return of the King! Coming to theaters DECEMBER 17, 2003!!!!