Arsarniel wrote:
The Lay of Mary-Sue and Marty-Sam
Listen, O my children
And take careful heed
Lest you fall
Into this greatest misdeed
Of Fanfiction writers,
And Role-Players, too.
It is of Mary-Sue and Marty-Sam
Those names so horrible to hear
But that, alas, I fear we all
Have written,
Some day or other.
Mary-Sue takes many forms,
All name exotic she loves
Her hair is long
In shades of gold,
Or perhaps of bright shining red.
Whatever the color, it shimmers and sparkles
And its equal has yet to be found.
Her skin is so clear!
Her complexion so white!
Like a diamond displayed in the moonlight.
She is tall and beautiful, belovéd by all
Her eyes are an emerald green,
Her clothes always shimmer
And sway in the breeze
Even if they be made of leather!
Skilled and deadly in the arts of war,
Her bow and her sword always are near
Her aim is so true,
And her quiver never empties,
And she is never at lack
Of a quip to her enemies.
Now, my children, I turn to Marty-Sam
Lesser the known,
Much more the deadly.
Marty-Sam is ever so handsome,
But in a tasteful, dark kind of way,
"Authority? What's that?
Am I some kind of prat?"
(But then, one day he will be king.)
He is clothed all in black, so dashing and smart
His sword has a hilt of silver,
So rich, so beautiful, this weapon of war,
And it's name is, of course, unpronounceable.
Marty-Sam and Mary-Sue, both warriors, both handsome
Their foes fear them the most
Mary-Sue is the Elven Ranger,
Marty-Sam, a lonely warrior, searching for something…
It is Mary-Sue he is seeking!
Oh, wonderful day,
When he finds her and holds her a heartbeat away!
O, how they love each other!
Their joy has no bounds!
But wait! What is this!
Who can this be?
The Villain! Oh No! For it doth seem to me
That he loves Mary-Sue, but not very nicely.
Oh horror!
Oh dread!
Now it is time, his heroine kidnapped!
Marty-Sam girds up his sword,
And leaps on his steed, a stallion it seems,
A horse just as black as the night.
Mary-Sue, meanwhile, will not ever give in!
"Marty-Sam loves me," she cries.
Seeing his pervertedness
Will not win the day,
The Villain gets angry! Oh no!
Marty, hearing his heroine cry from a lonely tower
In a castle all covered in vines,
Jumps from the saddle, and begins to climb
Hoping his love will be fine.
Not to fear, Marty, 'cause Mary's quite well,
For in time she suddenly remembers:
She's a warrior! She's strong!
No one can deny
It is with great skill that she steals her foe's sword.
Holding it to his throat, Mary-Sue proclaims
That she is free, she is mighty, and no villain can win!
Oh no!
Because this is a sappy fanfic, or role-play, or…
whatever.
Just at that moment, Marty-Sam arrives!
He must rescue his heroine!
He must! He must!
Sword shining brightly, it comes down with force,
But wait! What on earth? This just isn't right!
Mary-Sue, if you'll kindly remember, has just rescued herself!
Is holding a sword
To the villain's neck!
Oh dear.
Oh dear me.
Marty-Sam's sword has found it's mark, but alas!
It also is where
Our Heroine just happens to stand
and it seems that
Her head, as well as the villain's
is cut cleanly off of her rest.
Marty-Sam stands there, transfixed with horror
This isn't how it's supposed to end!
He cries to the sky
"Oh, please, take my life!
For I have along with mine enemy destroyed my love!"
With that, and with a final kiss blown
To Mary, Marty leaps from the window and the tower so tall.
So please, oh my children, take my advise.
Never, oh never,
No, please never write
Of Mary-Sue
And her Marty-Sam.
~Fin.
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Coming Soon to a forum near you...
REVENGE OF THE CLICHES
Very Good! Cracketh Me Up!
Funding must have been cut for the Revenge of the Cliches (or is that Clichés?). Maybe Jeter Jackson will make it into a movie.
