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~~Siggy by Lembas~~

Hehehehehe! I love it, Goldy. I can see it now, Saruman the very respected businessman...

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Banner from Nellie

Thanks, Neri!
Here's the second extract

~~~

<center> To-do list
~Hunt down the Fellowship of the Ring
~Bring hobbits back home
~Find the One Ring for Mr. Sauron </center>

Well, my first to-do list is all finished, thank goodness. But now I've got a second, even more difficult one to complete. And it's all thanks to Mr. Sauron. He sure keeps me busy! Wow, it must be great to be so respected and feared. I want to be just like him and the only way to accomplish this is to do everything he says. It'll make him like me, too. I've never had such a cool friend as him. And it's not too much to ask, really! Let's go through the points.

He wants me to send my new evil army of uruk hai after the Fellowship of the Ring. They're this mad new company led by Saruman's new nemesis and one-time business partner, Gandalf the Grey.
"That Gandalf is a callamity," Sauron says to me. "I need you to get rid of them for me, Saruman."
"Do I really have to kill them?" I muse.
"Oh no," he says. "You won't be killing the hobbits. You see, one of them has something I need. I lost it a long time ago and I want it back."
"What is it?" I say, my interest raised.
"The One Ring to rule them all," Sauron says casually. "Oh, it's not much, is it! You can fetch it back for me, can't you, Saruman?"
"Of course I can! Of course I can," I gasp. The One Ring of power!!! Wow!!! And he's trusting me to get it back for him!

So I said yes, of course I would. I have to get the hobbits home for Sauron. I might lay out some tea for them, you know, with some biscuits, to make them feel at home, then the torture begins. It'll be a merry day, I tell you. The orcs will have fun, and it's important to keep hired hands happy, in case they turn on you.

I wonder what it would be like to have the One Ring...

Oh! Well! I'm really busy right now, so I can't write much more. Also I've booked another manicure appointment. I pride myself on nice nails. Toodle-ooooooooooooooo!
Sarumanxxx

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~~Siggy by Lembas~~

I love your diaries so much! Keep them up!

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<center>

I love it!!! Absolutely brilliant. A refreshingly different take on things.

Thanks, guys!

~~~

<center> To-do list
~ Buy nice biscuits and teabags
~ Torture hobbits when uruks bring them back
~ Take One Ring for myself </center>

So... I've sent my party of uruk-hai out to get the hobbits and kill the rest of the Fellowship. I had a little heart-to-heart chat with Lurtz, the leader of the pack, before I sent them away, because it's important that I keep up a good leader/soldier relationship with my deadly army. Especially Lurtz. That guy is deadly! Thank goodness I've got him onside. He knows who's boss.

"So, Lurtz," I muse as he stands before me, staring into the middle distance as he does. "Do you have any plans for the future?"
"Get hobbits," he growls in reply.
"Yes, yes," I say. "But anything after that? University? To learn some new skills?"
He looks blank.
"Well, you seem to suit the murderous killer life," I continue. "Maybe university isn't up your street."
Silence.
"Would you like an Oreo?" I generously hold out the pack. He shakes his head.
"Man flesh," he grunts.
"You'll have plenty of that once the Fellowship are done with," I say. "More flesh than you can imagine. Mmm. Tasty."
"Tasty," he repeats obediently in his monotonous growl.

It went on in much the same vein for a while. Now they're gone to kill those no-goods, get those hobbits and bring me back the Ring. Because I think I should be the Dark Lord and the most feared business man in Middle Earth. Then we'll see who has to grovel to whom.

I CAN be scary!!
You WAIT!!! I can be scary and feared and...

Ooohh I must dash and get a latte, I just don't know how to plot without one. Byeeeee! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox love forever Saruman-poo

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~~Siggy by Lembas~~

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- married fingon fingolfinion 6/4/13 -
~art credit~

I can just see his blank stare after Saruman asked him about going to a university! good job, Goldy!

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"Would you like an Oreo?"

I can just picture an uruk nibbling on an oreo. As Shadow so nicely put it: priceless.

Cheers, guys! I thought popping in a little conversation with Lurtz would be fun Now here's another extract of Saruman's most inner thoughts! And there's someone very familiar as his manicurist...

~~~

<center> To-do list
~ Send out evil army against Rohan
~ Make another manicure appointment
~ Buy biscuits </center>

Well.
Well, what to say. Except, THAT DIDN'T WORK! My plans in my last diary entry? FOILED! And I'm furious.
It all started when I was getting a little impatient with my uruk-hai, waiting for them to deliver me the hobbits. So I sent out some dreadful mountain orcs that I've purloined for my evil work to check up on the uruks.
"Okay," says the orc-captain. "We'll speed 'em along for you, my lord."
Next thing I hear, orcs AND uruks are lying dead on the plains of Rohan in a smoking heap of corpses. The Rohirrim got them. And I'm very, very, very angry.
Also, my plan to steal the One Ring went wrong, so I'm back to grovelling to Sauron. I'm making an army to send out to get those Rohirrim once and for all. I discuss this with one of my irritating slaves, Grima, who's just returned from Meduseld. He got discovered as my spy the other day. Now that Theoden King is released from that spell he is, suffice to say, not happy with me at all.

"This'll show them who's boss," I say, nibbling angrily on an Oreo. "I shall squash Rohan into a pulp! Then it'll be mine!"
"Um, what use will it be squashed, my lord?" he queries.
I throw the empty packet of Oreos at his head and he tries to duck, too late. I glare at him.
"IT'LL BE MINE!" I repeat. "Squashed or not."
A little bell rings on the wall. Grima looks up. "That's your manicurist here, my lord," he says. "Shall I send him up?"
"Go on." Sitting on my chair, I reach out one leg and trip him up, sending him flying on his face. Laughing cruelly, I watch as he crawls off.

Sigh. I WISH I had the One Ring, instead of having to slave after Sauron. But at least I'll own Rohan. I hope. Sauron better let me have Rohan. After all, he wants Gondor, he says he should have it to add to his collection, so WHY can't I have a country of my own???!!!

The manicurist comes upstairs with his box of nail files and buffers and varnish and stuff.
"Sit back my lord, we'll have your nails looking nice and shiny in a minute," he says, in that terrible Mordor accent. I look at him sideways. He should REALLY go to the dentist. He catches my glance and grins at me with those big teeth of his. I cringe and avert my gaze from him as he sets about filing my nails.

I send him all the way from Mordor, and he does a good job, but really, he is hideous. Those teeth of his!
Love, Sarumanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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~~Siggy by Lembas~~