Ooh, this is good!
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| Eruant's randoms http://www.arwen-undomiel.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=48&t=22617 |
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| Author: | Eruant [ April 23rd, 2013, 6:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Eruant's randoms |
So, here's where I'm going to put my random stuff that I write, be it poem, short story, or play. Enjoy, and please critique! The Breakup Party "Okay, everyone, this will hurt less if you stand still!" Janie called as she formed us into a single file line. I looked around at my classmates, and saw that some of them looked nervous, some looked excited, and some looked like they were going to run away and never come back. I'll admit that I was having some misgivings myself, but it was too late to back out now. I could already hear the whirring of the chainsaw. I saw two pairs of legs, five torsos, and three heads hop by before the line started to move. Finally! I thought. I don't have all day! "Okay, everybody!" Janie shouted, "Legs go to the interns, torsos go to Mr. Ibur, and I get the heads! Find your teacher, people, and hurry!" Before I knew what was happening, I was at the beginning of the line, staring at Janie. "Ready? Good," she said, not waiting for answer and immediately swinging the chainsaw at me. I closed my eyes and felt... Nothing. I cracked open one of my eyes, expecting to see chainsaw Janie, but instead Mr. Ibur is standing and looking down on me. I realize I'm asleep with my head on the white plastic table, and that Mr. Ibur must have just woken me up. I quickly sit up and blink the room into focus, and just as quickly realize that Mr. Ibur and I are the only ones in the room. "Finally, you're awake!" Mr. Ibur said, sound exasperated. "You almost missed the breakup party!" "Oh no," I groaned. "Not again..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Expect more soon! |
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| Author: | Torziel Evenstar [ April 23rd, 2013, 7:12 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Eruant's randoms |
Ooh, this is good!
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| Author: | Bellatrix [ April 23rd, 2013, 7:19 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Eruant's randoms |
The first thing I noticed was that with the last sentence you hanged the tense from past to present. |
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| Author: | Eruant [ April 23rd, 2013, 8:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Eruant's randoms |
Oops... Okay, I fixed it .
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