all right, this is just
something crazy I drew out of my own head - I really do
LOVE all the characters mentioned to death, and
respect any and all fan groups, and this is only a
joke/parody/thingy that makes fun of them for
FUN. I do
not take it seriously, and
you shouldn't either! it's purely meant for laughs, so enjoy if possible! I know it's terrible.
Gandalf: It’s…THE MIDDLE-EARTH BACHELORETTE SHOW!!
Audience: *applause*
Gandalf: *looking very spiffy in a shiny suit and tie* *slicks hair back* We have imported all contestants directly from Peter Jackson’s Middle-earth-
Fangirls: *shriek* IT’S THE MOVIE PEOPLE!!
Gandalf: Yes yes. For our star bachelorettes, we have ARWEN!
Arwen walks out amid whistles and thunderous applause, kissing her hand and smiling gorgeously.
Arwen: Thank-you, thank-you! *sits down gracefully in chair*
Gandalf: We have EOWYN!
Eowyn walks out amid whistles and thunderous applause, looking suspicious.
Gandalf: And we had to have a third eligible female contestant… so we picked… SHELOB!
Audience: *gasp of horror*
It is oddly silent as Shelob ambles onto the stage, eyeing everyone as a possible appetizer. Gandalf looks nervous. Arwen and Eowyn scoot their chairs as far away as possible.
Gandalf: And now, for our bachelors who shall attempt to win these two fair ladies’-
Shelob: *menacing cough*
Gandalf: …attempt to win these three fair ladies’ hearts. Aragorn, son of Arathorn!
Aragorn: *strolls out* *brandishes sword* *looking handsomely dirty*
Gandalf: Legolas, son of Thranduil!
Legolas: *model music playing* *strikes coolness poses* *cameras flash* *fangirls shriek*
Gandalf: Boromir, son of Denethor!
Boromir: *looks confident* I’m the number one bachelor in Minas Tirith!
Gandalf: Gimli, son of Gloin!
Fangirls:
Ew!!
Gimli: What? I took a shower the year Bilbo found that ring…
Gandalf: Faramir, other son of Denethor!
Faramir: *grins for the applause* *hears none* *hangs head sadly*
Hobbit Fangirls: WHAT ABOUT THE HOBBITS????
Gandalf: Oh yeah. Them. Uh, blue-eyes, overly protective, accident-prone, and smoke addict.
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin take their places.
Gandalf: We have Grima Wormtongue!
Eowyn: W-w-what??
Grima Wormtongue: *cheesy grin*
Eowyn: Ugh! *recoils in horror*
Gandalf: And we have… Sss…ss…s…
Aragorn: Spit it out man!
Gandalf: Sss…sss…ssss…*squeaky voice*
Sauron.
Sauron (in lidless eye form) is wheeled onto stage by several Orcs, who bow out, and then run off. His Ringwraith goons stand beside him with their arms folded.
Sauron: Yeah I’ve been getting kind of lonely these days… this whole world domination thing is terrible for my love life, I might win by scaring all the competition! Heh heh heh…
Fangirls: *faint of terror*
Sauron: Hey baby! *whistles at Arwen*
Arwen: *buggy eyes* D-d-daddy… I don’t like this game…
Gandalf: Uhh… for our other bachelors, we have Haldir…
Haldir: *looks superbly and handsomely superior*
Gandalf: It’s time for the eliminations to begin!
Sauron: I’M GOING FIRST!
Gandalf: … okay. *walls open, huge troll walks out with club*
Arwen and Eowyn scream, Shelob checks her cook-book.
Gandalf: Your job is to defeat this troll and save the bachelorettes!
Sauron: Is that all? *stares hard at Troll*
Troll: *hypnotized*
Sauron: YooooUUU wiiiIIIllll SeeeeerrrrrrVVvvvvvvvveeeeeeee MEEEEEE!
Troll: Yesssssss maaasster… *is taken away*
Sauron: *smug smile* *eyes can smile?*
Gandalf: Aragorn! You’re next!
Aragorn: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *rushes at Troll, stabs it with his big sword*
Troll: Ouch.
Troll is disposed of.
Gandalf: Legolas!
Legolas loads three arrows onto his bow and puts out the troll’s eyes. Yes, trolls were harmed in the making of this program!
Gandalf: Grima Wormtongue!
Grima Wormtongue: Huh? But I need my master to fight anybody!
Gandalf: Too bad! FIGHT THE TROLL!
Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Grima: *faints*
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Eowyn: *blows raspberry*
Gandalf: Hobbits!
Hobbits: *hightail it for Hobbiton*
Gandalf: Boromir!
Boromir gets shot by the troll.
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Gandalf: Faramir!
Faramir shoots the troll back.
Audience: *cheer*
Gandalf: Gimli!
Gimli axes the troll.
Gandalf: Haldir!
Haldir gets axed by the troll. Who gave the troll more weapons??
Audience: *SOB*
Haldir Fangirls: PETER JACKSON MUST DIE!
Gandalf: Okay, our remaining contestants are… Sauron, Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, and Gimli! Our lovely bachelorettes will now ask them some questions.
Arwen: *giggle* Aragorn sugar, what is your favorite color?
Aragorn: Blue. No, yellow -
Arwen: Correct! YAAAAAY!!
Gandalf: … *grumbles* pointless… next!
Eowyn: Sauron… wait this can’t be right…
Sauron: Just lay it on me, baby!
Eowyn: Who invented bubble-gum flavored ice cream?
Sauron: I did, of course!
Gandalf: … I was just going to say don’t answer that, somebody’s messed up the notes.
Sauron: Oops. *shrug*
Security Guard: *holds up hobbits* Sir, we have apprehended the criminals –
Frodo: IT WAS THEM!
All four hobbits are handed over to their fangirls.
Gandalf: Skip the questions. It's time for the people's choice! The audience will now vote who is the number one bachelorette! *drum roll*
Audience: *contemplate the concept of pushing buttons*
Gandalf: Pick, you fools!
Arwen: *checks her face in the mirror, touches her hair, smiling*
Éowyn: *twitches at sight of swords*
Shelob: *has made herself a comfortable web lair*
Ding! The people have chosen!
Gandalf: All right! *checks results* Arwen is our number one bachelorette, Éowyn the second, and Shelob… uhh… *pulls at collar nervously* third.
Shelob: *hisses menacingly*
Gandalf: Our FINAL test! The contestants will now be shoved into a battlefield. Whoever kills the most Orcs, wins!
Sauron: Hmm… they ARE useful minions… but oh well! *wipes them all out*
Other Contestants: HEY!!!
Gandalf: Well, that was short. Sauron wins. Aragorn killed two in the three seconds before Sauron obliterated them off the face of the earth, Legolas one.
Sauron: *rubs hands in anticipation… wait… hands…?*
Gandalf: You now have your choice of our bachelorettes!
Sauron: I pick Arw- *notices Shelob* *cue the love at first sight music*
Shelob: *girly sigh* He’s
so… evil…
Sauron: *drooling* I WANT THAT ONE!!
A wedding march is badly played by an Orc as Sauron and Shelob exit the stage together. A unanimous sigh of relief fills the room.
Gandalf: Now that the forces of evil have left the building, Aragorn has his choice of Arwen or Éowyn!
Aragorn: Uhhh… uhh… *beads of sweat on the forehead*
Arwen: *bats her perfect eyelashes*
Aragorn: Arwen!
Arwen: *shrieks* YAAAAAY! *kisses Aragorn*
Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwww!
Éowyn: *sniff* Who says blondes have more fun… waaaah!
Legolas: I do!
Éowyn: You? Elf-boy? Aren’t I supposed to marry the number
two bachelor in Minas Tirith?
Legolas: Come on… you know I’m gorgeous…
Éowyn: Do I get to be queen?
Legolas: Uhh, there’s free Elvish salsa!
Éowyn: Okay! *walks off arm in arm with Legolas*
Gandalf: Our closing act will be singing and dancing hobbits!
The hobbits appear on top of a table, ale in hand, dancing and singing…
Frodo: ONCE THERE WAS A SNOWMAN…
Pippin: SNOWMAN, SNOWMAN!
Merry: ONCE THERE WAS A SNOWMAN…
Sam: TALL, TALL, TALL!
Frodo: IN THE SUN HE MELTED…
Pippin: MELTED, MELTED!
Sam: SMALL…
Merry: SMALL…
Sam: SMALL!!
Audience: *cheer* *hats in the air*
Gandalf: And as compensation for watching this
awful show, FREE CHICKENS!
Audience: YAY!!!
The end. No, you don’t get a free chicken.
be verrrrrrrrry scared! thanks for comments!
