King Thranduil captures Gollum in Mirkwood.

“So where is this wretched creature?” asked the king to another elf.
“He is in the dungeons below,” said the elf, “But I advise you not to go down, he has been spitting at everyone who passes his cell.
“I am prepared for that,” said the king picking up an umbrella and slipping on his elvish raincoat…

still thinking of the rest but thought i'd share the first bit with you

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so here's the rest...

King Thranduil captures Gollum in Mirkwood.

When he finally approached the mysterious creatures dungeon, something warm and wet instantly hit his face, the elf behind him saw this and cried, “See my lord! I did warn you he would spit!”
“What you talking about?” Cried the creature in a throaty voice, “We are trying to take a piss here precious and every time we tries someone comes along and gets in the bloody way!”

Sam and Frodo – oh and the Lembas.

“Sam, pass us the Lembas,” said Frodo in a weary voice.
“Sure Mr. Frodo,” said Sam rummaging through his bag, but then he cried out, “Oooh! What on middle earth is that?????”
“What is it Sam?” asked Frodo.
“The Lembas is all soggy!” cried Sam, “Its warm too!”
“But that’s all we have left!” cried Frodo.
Then Gollum came up and said, “It was him!” he pointed at Sam, “I’ve seen him, his always taking a piss when masters not looking!”
“His a liar! Why would I take a piss on my own food?” asked Sam in outrage.
“No wonder its been tasting funny lately,” said Frodo. “Sam, why?”
“It was Gollum! I would never do a thing like that!” cried Sam.
“He hates us master, he always makes up nasty lies,” said Gollum pouring at Frodo’s cloak. But Frodo pushed his hands away and as he did so he realised Gollum’s hands were wet.
“Oh Gollum!” cried Frodo, “Not again!”
“It’s not my fault,” said Gollum, “they don’t have any nice fish skins to wipe myself with around here,”