I don't want to live anymore!!!

_________________


~A-E twin/father of Vampire Anakin~

^ Neither do I but yet I still live.

A few minutes ago, I think I am may found a new reason why I cut myself...after I had done it again...

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥

Mrs. Haldir dearest, I do wish you would not cut yourself! Is there nothing I can say to make you feel better?

_________________
~Follower of Christ~

~Extreme Evanescent~

~Claimed Elladan July 03, 2007~ :3

I wish I didn't either but I cannot seem to stop no matter how hard I try. I'm addicted. Plus certain things really set me off such as people really putting me down and making me feel bad about myself, so I also use it as a release...and to see myself bleed. To be honest...I actually like the feeling of a blade across my skin.

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥

Wow, I should've known this thread would get triggering...

I'm trying so hard to stop. At some points it gets so bad I just want to give up and start again but I haven't cut for a month-ish

Don't give up, Mrs. Haldir, please :hug::hug:

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<center>


<3
top banner by Coccinelle
I'll be back to visit, I promise!
</center>

For the cutters who are trying to quit... This link might help.

http://groups.teenhelp.org/showthread.php?t=40505

_________________
<center>
<a href="http://raindrops.lemon-drop.net/">Between the Rain Drops</a>
[ + @ # ? : ]

That gave me an idea... This is my friend's list, the ones with *s next to he's tried and they worked for him. Sorry for the long post...


154 Ways Of Coping

1) Exercise *
2) Putting on fake tattoos
3) Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it's washable!) *
4) Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper *
5) Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.) *
6) Cuddling with a stuffed toy *
7) Being with other people *
8) Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy) *
9) Posting on web boards, and answering others' posts *
10) Thinking about how you DON'T want scars for the summer *
11) Painting your nails
12) Going to see a movie
13) Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food) *
14) Doing school work
15) Surf the net *
16) Go into chat rooms to talk *
17) Call a friend and ask for company *
18) Playing a musical instrument
19) Singing
20) Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful) *
21) Making your own list of things to do instead of SI *
22) Punching a punching bag (with gloves on)
23) Snapping a rubber band on your wrist *
24) Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut
25) Mix warm water and red food colouring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood)
26) Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some) *
27) Sleep (only if you are tired) *
28) A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though) *
29) Play with a pet * (very helpful)
30) Detangling yarn or necklaces
31) Re-organizing your room
32) Cleaning (hmmm...I very rarely use this one!)
33) Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbours may think you are crazy, but that's ok) *
34) Knitting or sewing
35) Reading a good book
36) Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37) Colouring your hair
38) Listening to music (not angry music though-that can trigger) *
39) Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames!) *
40) Finding someone else you can help out *
41) Meditate *
42) Watching a scary (but not bloody) movie. *
43) Work on a website
44) Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity(it works for some...)
45) Go somewhere very public *
46) Bake
47) Alphabetize your CD's
48) Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49) Buy a home Henna tattoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50) Painting or drawing *
51) Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces *
52) Hugs-(this one is very nice...) *
53) Writing letters or email *
54) Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55) Stroke nice fabrics
56) Hug a pillow *
57) Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58) Finger paint
59) Scream (I LOOOVE this one-just make sure no one is home) *
60) Dance
61) Make hot chocolate (mmmmm....)
62) Pop bubble wrap *
63) Play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64) Count to one hundred
65) Build a pillow fort
66) Pop balloons *
67) Hug yourself
68) (pay no attention to this one, I'm not sure if it's within forum rules to post it...)
69) Reading things in a different language
70) Going for a nice, long drive
71) Complete something you've been putting off *
72) Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73) Breaking plastic plates
74) Tearing up socks
75) Throwing socks against the wall
76) Archery
77) Rock climbing
78) Take up a new hobby
79) Organise bills and such
80) Cook a meal
81) Go out for ice cream
82) Buy a stuffed animal..uum yeah...
83) Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork
84) Create Something
85) Pray
86) Throw socks against the wall again
87) Make a list of blessings in your life
88) Read the Bible
89) Go to a friend's house
90) Take up fencing
91) Watch an old, happy movie
92) Call a Help hotline or your Therapist * (That’s what gave me the courage to tell my mom that I cut)
93) Talk to someone close to you that knows *
94) Throw a temper-tantrum
95) Hit things-other than yourself
96) Ride a bicycle *
97) Polish silver or jewellery
98) Gardening or watering house plants
99) Memorizing German poetry (silly, but works!)
100) CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
101) Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102) Draw on the walls
103) Play with face paint
104) Do very Glamourous make-up
105) Colour with crayons
106) Memorise a novel or play or song
107) Put on boots and STAMP
108) Stretch
109) Find butterflies
110) Watch fish
111) Come up with baby names (even if you're not pregnant)
112) Make mashed potatoes
113) Make a tape of your favorite songs
114) Name all of your stuffed animals
115) Go SHOPPING!!!!
116) Get into your PJ's and just veg.
117) Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger on them instead of self.
118) Throw everything (except glass)
119) Go to a loud concert
120) Play the 15 minute game (say you can't cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again) *
121) Plan your wedding / prom
122) Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123) Alphabetize your books
124) Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125) Take up Tai Chi
126) Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names
127) Count ceiling tiles/lights
128) Go clubbing
129) Search ridiculous things on the web
130) Colour-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131) Do a home tan on yourself
132) Sort all your photographs
133) Colour (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134) Plan a dinner party
135) Play with a slinky
136) But yourself some toys and play
137) Start collecting something
138) Get a tattoo / piercing(It really does work!...and it hurts!)
139) Play video/computer games
140) Do a trash clean at your local park
141) Play on a swing set
142) Go out and perform a random act of kindness for someone
143) Call up an old friend
144) Write yourself an "I love you because" letter
145) Put on fake nails
145) Try to build something
146) Re-arrange your house
147) Go to a public place and people watch
148) Go through all your old stuff
149) Go bargain - hunting
150) Smile at at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
151) Go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
152) Take red candy spray and spray were you want to cut * (it helped me out a lot)
153) Throw ice to a bath tub * (really helps get the anger out)
154) Take a piece of ice from the freezer and hold it in your hand until it melts, yes it may hurt but you won't be hurting yourself with a blade
__________________

_________________
<center>


<3
top banner by Coccinelle
I'll be back to visit, I promise!
</center>

I want to stop cutting! Really I do. I saw this brief documentary about a woman who was a cutter. This woman bleeds and I mean really, really bleeds and just seeing it made me cringe. It was just too much blood for one just looking for release. I've never see a cutter that bled that much. She does it to a point where is trying to really hurt herself. It scared me and made my cry.
I bleed but not like that and I don't intend to really hurt myself. But it's like there was this little voice in my head that's telling me that that will end up being me if I don't stop. Sure, in the beginning they were only just scratches, then turned to minor cuts but now, they're getting bigger and deeper and I'm bleeding more. My most recent cuts still sting. I'm now afraid of what I may do to myself next. I don't want to really hurt myself, truely I don't. I only want release! Not serious injury. Just seeing this one little video is now getting through to my head and it's seeing what I may become in the future. I don't want to see myself as that! I don't want to live through the same pain and suffering as that woman. But I don't know how to stop! I've tried so hard and in many ways and I just can't do it. I give in. I need help! I don't want to do this anymore but I don't know how to stop or if I really can.

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥

That list looks like a good idea to me. I try all of those things. Well, except maybe a few things.

_________________
~Follower of Christ~

~Extreme Evanescent~

~Claimed Elladan July 03, 2007~ :3

:hug::hug: I know, it's terrible to watch. But it's true, cutting is addictive, and it does just get worse and worse. No one starts off with their first cut being the deepest, they always get deeper and wider and bleed more over time. Your attitude is great though, it's seriously something to be proud of that you want to break the cycle and stop cutting. But you CAN stop, it's hard but every day it gets a bit easier. Try some of the things on that list when you want to cut, they might not all work for you but some of them will

_________________
<center>


<3
top banner by Coccinelle
I'll be back to visit, I promise!
</center>

I know exactly how you feel, Mrs. Haldir. The difference between us, I think, is that I'm not brave enough to succede with anything. There have been numerous times where I've tried suffocating myself, but I can never follow through.... being with friends helps me a lot, funny friends particularly. You don't want to hang out with people who annoy or anger you....... (and don't think this means i'm going to ease up on you in the fav character voting thread ^^)

_________________
Bob Seger 11/19;Celtic Thunder 9/29
Gettysburg 150th!!!

I know full well it's addictive. I have been doing it off and on for a few years now. I do want to stop but I don't know if I have the strength for it. I fear that I will progress well then suddenly break down and realize and I can't do it and start cutting again. (Which I have done before) Now I just think it's going to be harder since I actually enjoy doing it and I think the hardest part will be trying to convince my mind that I do not enjoy the feeling of it. How the hell can you really tell yourself that you don't like the feeling of something when you truely do like it?



Ah, been there done that. I'm pretty cowardly when it comes to that as well. I don't know how many times I've attempted to try killing myself but then changed my mind because I couldn't do it. I've tried many things. I've tried choking myself but stopped nearly half way through, I have thought of drinking cleaning products, I even pulled one out from under the sink and a glass from the cabinet one time planning to do so but turned away, and I also thought of popping a bunch of pain killers but didn't do it. I'm a coward I think. It's like I want to kill myself...but I don't want to die. It's all so confusing. These are dark thoughts, I know. Sorry if it bothers anyone.

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥

Mrs. Haldir, please do not think of suicide that way...suicide is not an option! If you truly think there is nothing left to live for, think at least of AU, and all of us here. You will always have friends here, never forget that!

Remember, breaking addiction is not telling yourself that you don't like the feeling of it. The more you do that, the more you will remember liking it. You probably knew that already. Thinking about other things and doing other things is a really great idea. I really think you ought to work with that list. Especially the point that suggests getting help or counseling or something like that. Please try it! We really do care about you!

And I am still praying for you...please don't be offended by that, if you don't think there's a God then at least remember that I care.

_________________
~Follower of Christ~

~Extreme Evanescent~

~Claimed Elladan July 03, 2007~ :3

I'm not trying to think of suicide, truely not. I just have dark thoughts and they are sometimes hard to not think about.

Well, personally, I think trying ro tell myself that I do not like it may be help in some way. I mean think about it, I do like the feeling of a blade on my skin as I had said before. If you thought something felt good wouldn't you keep on doing it just to get a feel of it? I actually do do some of those things on the list quite often but certain things can only keep your mind busy for so long then other things can find their way in, especially when you are upset. I don't want to seek counseling since it has never helped me in the past. I wonder if my public library has self help books, but I'd be ashamed to ask if they had any for cutters.

I'm not offended by you praying for me, I just prefer if it wasn't done since I do not believe in God but you are only doing what you yourself thinks is right.

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥

If you want to ask your library if they've got self-help books for cutters, just look really concerned and if they give you a weird look say it's for a friend or something, they believe anything...

If you stop for long enough, you forget the feeling. You just need to replace that feeling with another one that is just as good but that doesn't harm you

_________________
<center>


<3
top banner by Coccinelle
I'll be back to visit, I promise!
</center>

Maybe...people do believe anything now but are also very judgmental these days as well. It wouldn't be any different walking into a bookstore. I have to return books tomorrow anyway...maybe I'll try gathering up the courage to ask. (Doubt it though)

_________________
And as he looked into her eyes
Within the auburn of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored bright and fair

♥In a poly relationship with Kili and Tauriel♥