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Post subject: The Enchanted Forest and other PD poems...  Posted: March 20th, 2008, 10:39 pm |
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Joined: 13 June 2007
Posts: 8115
Location: Asleep Somewhere... Anywhere
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ALL EDITED: ok, so I've added a few of my poems now... 
this is a poem I wrote for Aramel and my OCs (Carmon and Daviel Demarest)... 
A Happier Place
It was raining outside
That night she died
You would’ve never guessed
What a mess I was inside
That night she left my side
That night she died
Was the night
The night the whole world seem shattered
and the clouded-over stars cried
As my angel departed, leaving this place
For another more peaceful world
The lightening flashed
As her spirit passed
Away, away into a happier place
Leaving me alone in this world
Feeling empty and cold
No one understood
The pain like I could
She had been my all
Now everything she had left
I treasured and kept
Two little girls
And a happier time
How could it happen to a girl so lovely?
How could it happen to mine?
Ever since we were only young
I had always known I was meant for her
She would always be the one
But now no sword or knife
Had taken her from me
Had taken her young life
No, something less
Something innocent
There was nothing I could do
But wait and pray
And hope she may
Make it through the dark that night
But it wasn’t meant to be
Shortly she did embark
On the last journey
Leaving me
Leaving me for a happier place
But that night she passed
Would scar my mind
Forever would it haunt me
That night she left everything behind
Everything to me
Leaving me for a happier place
This is a Beckara (Cutler Beckett/Keyara Pierce) poem I wrote... 
The Fated Night
It was the night deemed fated
Forever the decider of two lives
On this night
The stars were aligned just right
The waves were quiet
The wind becalmed
Two souls’ fates road with those tides
Tonight she would be gone
No more in his eyes
No more in his heart
Or was this only the start
Of something more
The lone man looked out at the sea
Something stalled him from going there
something told him he shouldn't dare
He finally looked at the door
Standing lone in the cool night air
Could there be something more?
The struggle inside
She was nothing to him
He tried to tell himself
Their story was finished and she would be gone
She never loved
He never loved
The knob of the door slowly turned
The air and sea seemed watching and waiting
Inside his heart yearned
For what he could not tell
Not yet
But when he saw the face
The earnest green eyes
He could not believe
What had she done?
Had he really fallen in love?
But it was fated, not really real
He had never planned
He could not conceive
How things had quickly changed
For better or worse
She seemed like some sort of lovely curse
Those eyes so imploring and true
He stood where he was
Not sure what to do
In a few years it would be all through
or would it amount to something more?
Before he knew it
He was down on one knee
The only words that would come
“Will you marry me?”
He saw shock
Then a sparkle in her eye
Just when he had thought it was through
Something never meant to be
How had he ended up here
down on one knee?
What a strange twist of fate this quiet night brought
When each star smiled down
Aligning just right
Changed two destinies forever
In just one night
just a silly one I wrote... 
The Daring Escape
There warnt no time to waste
I got up and started to pace
All around the old shack’s floor
Stoppin’, starin’ at the door
Where was the no good clown
We needed to get outa town
Before the sheriff done catch us both
There waren’t no time to loaf
Finally, me partner came through the door
I gave him a glare
The idiot only stood there
“What’re ye doin’?” I asked him upright
Wantin’ action sometime before tonight
“we need ta get goin’”
There wasn’t’ a second to lose
“Ye can stay if ye want, but it ain’t what I choose.”
As I went out into the dazzling day
He followed me all the way
Lookin’ as sick as an old mule
“What’s the matter?” I asked as we ran
“I just ain’t no gentleman.”
He said with a cry
“I didn’t mean to steal that slice of pie!”
then, of course, the original one...
The Enchanted Forest
The leaves in this forest gently fell
The trees sway, wave, and bow in the ever-blowing wind
The warm, sticky air of passed rain does smell
With a call and a rustle, the birds scatter in the treetops overhead
One lone person stands in the middle of it all
Like a little elf maiden with nothing else to do
But admire the beauty all around and the dove’s soft coo
Hardly visible in all the brown, red and green
Where not a single other soul could be seen
Except the soul of this enchanted forest
This little elf-child stands still, statue-like in the middle of the woods, one free spirit alone, so alone
One young elf of the woodlands surrounding
Marveling and listening to the trees’ soft moan,
The trees and animals gather their food and store it away
To use on a later wintry day
A small sparrow’s song can be heard
It echoes from somewhere in this glorious place
In this forest to the careful listener, nothing stands still,
things rustle, run and rap but only for alert listener, only for this little elf who stands in admiration
Time and space come to a halt, there is no lamentation
Not here in this enchanted forest, except the sound of the wind gusting through the trees
A deer peeks out of her foliage bed
The elf-girl can’t help but smile and shake her head
The world at peace in this other land, no words needed saying
Everything going on all around had melody of it’s own, every single sound
It doesn’t need any additional choir
The trees seem to talk as they creak and groan
And what is said while they moan?
The little elf-child would never know
But still she listens and tries to aspire
A way to find out all the secrets of this enchanted forest
She listens to the forest’s discussion
It almost seemed rude
To intrude
The little elf-girl glided over the soft, gentle moss
The world all around her makes her a part of itself
She felt lost, but not lonely or scared
happiness could not describe her, she couldn’t move an inch, there was too much splendor there
And what could any person give a care
Who’s been walking through a mysterious, magical mass of wildlife, this woods, the enchanted woods
All worries seem to disappear
And the little elf-child walked along, overlooking each poppy and pine
Every one growing tall and long
The overseer of the wood this elf-child like to imagine as she walked along alone
At least until dinner time, when her mother called her home
When all must be left for another day
For here and now the little elf must go away
And save her forest-caring duties for tomorrow, or the next day
With a quick little run, the girl was out of her enchanted forest and back onto the brilliantly bright daylight of a less quiet world
Out of the enchanted forest
thanks for taking the time to read them!  please feel free to give constructive criticism or advice or whatever! I will probably be adding more someday too....
_________________ Chase a couple hearts, we could leave 'em in shreds
Meet me in the gutter, make the devil your friend
Just remember what I said, cause it isn't over yet
Get.Lost.In.The.Dark.To.Find.Yourself
-sig by Loafers-
Last edited by Calloniel (PD) on March 29th, 2008, 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post subject: Posted: March 21st, 2008, 12:57 pm |
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Joined: 07 October 2006
Posts: 2474
Location: From the north I have come, need has driven me and I have passed the doors to the path of the M6
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Its pretty good aye, quite vivid in description, which is always a good thing in poetry.
The only thing I could think of is try to make your lines livel so to speak. If you have 3 short lines, then one really long one, it sounds out of rhythm.
But I liked it alot. Alot indeed.
Well done
_________________
"This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck? "
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Post subject: Posted: March 21st, 2008, 4:36 pm |
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Joined: 13 June 2007
Posts: 8115
Location: Asleep Somewhere... Anywhere
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Post subject: Posted: March 21st, 2008, 4:37 pm |
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Joined: 07 October 2006
Posts: 2474
Location: From the north I have come, need has driven me and I have passed the doors to the path of the M6
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_________________
"This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck? "
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Post subject: Posted: March 29th, 2008, 5:54 pm |
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Joined: 13 June 2007
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Location: Asleep Somewhere... Anywhere
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Post subject: Posted: March 29th, 2008, 6:06 pm |
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Joined: 07 October 2006
Posts: 2474
Location: From the north I have come, need has driven me and I have passed the doors to the path of the M6
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I was wondering what this was when I got the Email, I wasnt familiar with the title.....
Anyways, as for critiques. You seem to have taken my advice and made the lines more even. Looks neater and more flowing no?
But yep, I like it, you are improving. I do like your use of an accent in one of the poems, it really gives the sense of a narating voice, if that makes any sense...
Bjorn
_________________
"This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck? "
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Post subject: Posted: March 29th, 2008, 6:27 pm |
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Joined: 13 June 2007
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Post subject: Posted: March 29th, 2008, 6:34 pm |
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Joined: 07 October 2006
Posts: 2474
Location: From the north I have come, need has driven me and I have passed the doors to the path of the M6
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Calloniel (PD) wrote: yeah, it's just me...
awww, thanks!  yup, I have tried to keep your advice in mind while writing... and it does flow much, much better. Thank you.
glad to hear it! Ah, yes, for that poem I actually had to write it in an accent. it was required in the assignment. lol but it does add a lot to the voice of it... I know exactly what you mean. and it was fairly fun to write like that...
Thats ok. Glad to be able to help a fellow poet.
If you want something to challenge you poetry wise, I would suggest one of two things. First, either go for what Id call either an epic poem or a Saga.Basically, its just a massive poem. I did one of these, that told in poetry the tale of Aragorn and Arwen. This would test you rhyming skills, and just your general ability.
Another option is a parody . Everyone loves parodies, and Im working on one of "The Raven" by Poe (but thats a side project ). That just tests your comedy skills and abilty to rhyme again
Just suggestions mind. Your style seems to work pretty well as is if you just want to stay as is for the minute....
Ill add this to the directory at some point (by the way, that Aragorn arwen poem is in there somewhere if you wanna look at it....)
Bjorn
_________________
"This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck? "
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Post subject: Posted: March 30th, 2008, 10:54 pm |
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Joined: 13 June 2007
Posts: 8115
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thanks for the constructive critisim too... tis helpful. (and I suppose it only makes sense 