THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, CONDENSED
MORDOR (always a cheery place to start a story)
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Once upon a time, there was a bad guy.
SAURON struts out and starts whacking people left and right.
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Things looked bleak. But wait!
ISILDUR slices off SAURON's hand and pulls the RING from the ashes. Shock wave ensues.
RING: New bearer, eh? All righty; time to resize. (*shrinks to fit*)
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Everything turned out okay. Well, not exactly...
ISILDUR gets pierced by arrows and thrown in river. RING tumbles underwater.
RING: Eek! Help! I can't swim!
GALADRIEL (V.O.): And that was that for the Ring. Well, not exactly...
A hand reaches down and picks it up.
GOLLUM (V.O.): Prrrreciousss.
RING: Hello, stranger. Thanks for saving me from that big bad river. What say we go back to your place and get to know each other?
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Gollum fell for the Ring's pick-up lines and took it home. Then eventually a hobbit stole it.
BILBO: Yuck. There's fish guts on this thing.
RING: Yes. Please. Polish me. I'll do whatever you want. I mean, as long as it's evil...
GALADRIEL (V.O.): And the time will soon come when hobbits will enter the twisted minds of all.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: God, I'm going to be so lost during this movie. None of this stuff's going to matter later, right?
FRODO pops into view, smiling a huge innocent smile.
AUDIENCE: Hehehe! Elijah Wood looks so funny with a perm! I'll never be able to take him seriously.
GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. I've come to smoke with your uncle.
FRODO: All right. Can I try on your hat?
GANDALF: Whatever for?
FRODO: I've been wondering which house I'll be put into. I'm hoping it's not Slytherin, but you never know with us Bagginses.
GANDALF: Worry about that later. Run along and read your dirty Elvish books.
VICINITY OF PARTY TREE
While a giggling FRODO throws SAM into ROSIE's arms, MERRY and PIPPIN crawl into view and steal some fireworks.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Hey, neat. Petty criminals.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Brandybuck and Took heirs, actually, but whatever.
BILBO gets up for a speech.
BILBO: I'm smarter than the lot of you! But I'll miss you anyway. Well, one-tenth of the one-half of you who I spent twice as much time with as I ever wanted to, for one-fifteenth of my life, anyway. So. Goodbye.
BILBO vanishes. FRODO's laughter vanishes too, pretty much forever as far as this trilogy's concerned.
GANDALF: Bilbo. Put your hands where I can see them, and step away from the Ring.
BILBO: Fine. No, I don't want to! Oh, all right, I will. No, I won't! Seriously, though, I will. Except I won't!
GANDALF: Don't make me get ten feet tall.
BILBO: Eek! Okay, I give.
BILBO hugs GANDALF and leaves. GANDALF approaches RING super-slowly and upside-down.
RING: BOO!! (*thunderclap* *Eye of Sauron*)
AUDIENCE jumps and spills popcorn everywhere.
GANDALF: Right, so I think I'll just leave that on the floor and let Frodo deal with it.
BAG END, UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER
FRODO wanders inside to find his living room ransacked. As he frowns over the fact that someone has set a glass down on the desk without using a coaster, GANDALF emerges from the dark, looking a total mess, and seizes him.
FRODO: Cripes! You scared me. Er, can I get you a comb or anything?
GANDALF: No, thank you. Fondle this and tell me what happens.
GANDALF drops RING into FRODO's hands with tongs.
FRODO: Nothing. No, wait: there's graffiti. "Frodo lives"? What's that all about?
GANDALF: (sigh) It belongs to He Who Must Not Be Named, and it's about to ruin the world. Not to mention your social life.
FRODO: Whoa, this was made by Sauron?
RING: Oh! Sauron! Yes! Yes! Give me back to my big evil sugar daddy, pleeeease.
FRODO and GANDALF stare at RING in alarm.
GANDALF: Frodo. Don't excite the Ring. There's a reason we don't say that guy's name, see?
FRODO: Got it. Now what?
GANDALF: You pack and run, right this second. I'm going to see another wizard. He'll make everything okay.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah!
There is a noise outside. GANDALF reaches out the window and drags SAM in by the ear.
GANDALF: Stalking Frodo again, are we?
SAM: I'm sorry, sir, I won't do it again. Don't turn me into anything unnatural.
GANDALF: Oh, I know exactly what to do with you.
FRODO and GANDALF trudge along, leading a horse.
DENSE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hah! Gandalf turned him into a horse!
SAM jogs into view behind them.
DENSE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh. Never mind.
GANDALF: Listen, lads: things are now getting so dangerous that I'm going to totally abandon you. Sound good?
GANDALF: Right. Bye, then.
GANDALF takes off. FRODO and SAM trudge across country for a while, till MERRY and PIPPIN and several VEGETABLES come flying out of the corn and bowl them over.
FRODO: What the hell are you doing?
MERRY: Running from the law! Go, go, go!
The four start running while PIPPIN verbally catalogues everything they've stolen in the last 72 hours.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Are you sure they're not petty criminals?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: I...um...all right, they stole stuff in the book too. But they're high-class criminals with hearts of gold, okay?
FRODO: Guys? The leaves are swirling in a particularly evil way. I suggest we hide.
They hide under a log. RINGWRAITH looms above them. Meanwhile, FRODO fondles the RING.
RING: So - "Frodo," is it? Has anyone ever told you you've got the most beautiful eyes? Hey, want to try me on? Go ahead - what could happen?
SAM slaps the RING for its audacity. RINGWRAITH gets distracted by ice cream truck down the road, and trots off.
MERRY: Frodo, you dog. Why didn't you tell us you were running from the law too?
FRODO: Listen, um - if you two don't have anything to do for the next few months and happen to have some clothes and food packed, do you want to come on a dangerous and possibly fatal mission with us?
MERRY and PIPPIN: Yeah! Sounds fun!
SARUMAN: Come into my dark, foreboding, black tower. Can I take your coat?
GANDALF: Sure! Thanks.
SARUMAN: Tell me what you know.
GANDALF: It's definitely the One Ring. Frodo Baggins has it - here, I brought you a dossier on him. He should get to the Inn of the Prancing Pony about 6:05 tonight. He and his friends will probably go to bed around 11:00, and not bother to lock their door.
SARUMAN: Very useful. Can I take your staff?
GANDALF: Uh, I'd rather you didn't.
SARUMAN: Too late; already did. Can I throw you against the wall?
GANDALF: Oof! Hey!
SARUMAN: Can I bloody your nose? Can I polish the floor with your head? Can I lock you on the top of the tower? Excellent! So long, sucker.
GANDALF: (locked on top of tower) Okay, that didn't go so well.
MERRY: So we're miles away from home, being chased by Black Riders, and seem to be missing a wizard. What should we do?
PIPPIN: Get drunk?
MERRY: My thoughts exactly.
Meanwhile, the RING continues to chat up FRODO.
RING: You know, I've seen a lot of hobbits in my time, but you're taller than some, and definitely fairer than most. No, you really are. Can I, uh, get on your finger? It'll be fun. Come on.
FRODO swoons and falls over. RING pounces onto his finger. EVERYONE IN BREE stares at the Amazing Disappearing Hobbit trick.
ARAGORN intervenes, getting all four hobbits into a private chamber in thirty seconds flat.
ARAGORN: You lads have a lot to learn. You're staying in my room tonight.
FRODO: Um...that's very kind of you, but we'd rather not.
ARAGORN: It's okay; there's plenty of space in the beds.
MERRY: We're really not interested, sir - but thank you, all the same.
ARAGORN: No no: you four would get in the beds; I'd keep watch.
SAM: Can I whack him in the knees with a candlestick, Mr. Frodo? Please?
ARAGORN: Look - I'm not a perv; I'm just trying to keep you safe. Oh, forget it.
BREE, LATER THAT NIGHT
RINGWRAITHS knife the hobbits' beds. Goosedown explodes into the air.
RINGWRAITH: Screeeeee!* (*An expression which here means: "My word! They're made of feathers! How did they go running around like that?")
BREE, ARAGORN'S ROOM
ARAGORN: Told you.
ARAGORN: Don't worry. I'll protect you. So, see you after dinner.
ARAGORN wanders off. RINGWRAITHS show up. HOBBITS brandish swords pathetically.
SAM: Go away! Shoo!
RINGWRAITH bats him aside.
MERRY: We kindly request that you go away!
PIPPIN: In the name of common decency!
RINGWRAITHS bat them aside.
FRODO: I haven't had time to practice using this sword yet, so I think it's safer if I just drop it and roll around on the ground.
SAM: No, Mr. Frodo! That's if you're on fire!
FRODO: Oh, damn it, I always mix those up.
Meanwhile, RING insinuates itself onto FRODO's hand again.
RING: Nazgul! My darling saviors! Over here, over here!
FRODO: Shut up! Whose side are you on, anyway?
RING: Take a wild guess, pansy.
RINGWRAITH wanders over and stabs FRODO. ARAGORN appears with a torch and drives RINGWRAITHS away.
ARAGORN: Hm. Frodo seems to be dying. Let's get a move on.
SAM: Hey, great job protecting us, by the way.
ARWEN rides up.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hey, Arwen, what'd you do, knock out Glorfindel and steal his horse?
ARAGORN: Sam, help me take off Frodo's shirt. Oh, hi, Arwen! Um, this isn't what it looks like.
ARWEN: Hi, dear. I'm kidnapping your friend.
FRODO: (wheeze) It's okay...I can ride by myself...
ARWEN: Nonsense. You're totally helpless; didn't you get the memo?
ARWEN picks him up and whisks him away.
FRODO awakens and looks around.
FRODO: Where am I? A candle store?
GANDALF: Rivendell. Close enough. Sorry I'm late, my boy. I got detained and had to catch a red-eye on Deus Ex Hawkina.
GANDALF: Never mind. Stupid pun.
ELROND strolls in.
ELROND: Welcome to Rivendell, Mister Anderson.
FRODO: Oh, so I took the blue pill? No wonder everything's so soft and comfy.
ELROND: No, that's just because it's Elven. Long have my people studied feng shui.
SAM runs into the room and jumps on the bed, knocking FRODO flat and showering kisses upon him.
FRODO: Goodness! Hello, Sam.
SAM: Hello, sir! Glad to see you're awake. Sorry for this show of affection, but Ian McKellen said this was how they did it in the book.
GANDALF is watching with a slightly pervy smile.
GANDALF: Yes, that's right, that's right, keep going.
RIVENDELL, DIFFERENT ROOM
GANDALF: So, Elrond, you're going to take the Ring and hide it behind one of these candle sconces, and nobody will ever know. Sound good?
ELROND: No way. I was there, Gandalf. I was there when Men ran out of strength. And conditioner.
FLASHBACK: MT. DOOM
ELROND watches as fuzzy-headed ISILDUR stands with the RING in the special Place to Throw Stuff Into Lava Room.
RING: (sniffle) You wouldn't destroy poor, sweet, little ol' me, would you, Isildur? You handsome... strong... powerful man?
ISILDUR: Mmm...'scuse me, Elrond, the Ring and I need some privacy.
ISILDUR walks out, cuddling the RING.
GANDALF: Wait a second: you just let him walk by you? Right out of Mount Doom, with the Ring in his hand?
GANDALF: Why didn't you stop him? Didn't you have a sword on you?
ELROND: Look, we're not here to talk about ME, all right?
ARAGORN and ARWEN sneak out to meet each other on a bridge.
ARAGORN: Hi, babe. Hey, you said you would bind yourself to me, so I brought this rope...
ARWEN: Not till we're married, darling.
ARAGORN: (pouts) Fine. Can we still make out?
ARWEN: Of course.
ARAGORN and ARWEN make out for a little while.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Just F.Y.I., these two minutes, right here, contain more kissing than Tolkien ever wrote in his whole life.
COUNCIL OF ELROND
ELROND: This Ring must be destroyed. It has to be taken, by one of you, back into the dark land where it was created.
ARAGORN: Mordor, you idiot.
BOROMIR: Don't call me an idiot, dork.
LEGOLAS: This is no mere dork. This is your King. And my boyfriend.
Silence as entire COUNCIL stares at ARAGORN and LEGOLAS.
ARAGORN: (in Elvish) Great, Legolas. Just great.
LEGOLAS: I...meant that in a..."we're boys and we're friends" kind of way.
ELROND: Ahem. Regardless, somebody still needs to get rid of the Ring.
FRODO: Oh, hell, I'll do it.
BOROMIR: But you're so tiny and fragile.
FRODO: Yeah, well, the rest of you appear to be spineless jerks, so I guess it's down to me.
GANDALF: Then I'll come too.
ARAGORN: Me too!
LEGOLAS: Me too!
GIMLI: Me too!
BOROMIR: Me too!
SAM: Me too!
MERRY: Me too!
PIPPIN: Me too!
ELROND: Enough. Stop. Nine's a good number: one to be killed by each Ringwraith.
ELROND: Nothing. Okay, let me get my camera. Stand close together. Everyone in the Fellowship of the Ring, say, "Cheeeeese!"
SNOWS OF CARADHRAS
FRODO falls over. BOROMIR picks up RING.
BOROMIR: It's strangely cute, you know?
RING: Hi, big boy. Steward of Gondor, huh? Wow. That's totally hot.
BOROMIR: Really, you think so? Hey, do you want to come home to meet my dad?
ARAGORN: Boromir. No no. Give the skanky thing back to Frodo.
HIGHER UP MOUNTAIN
Avalanche is in progress. FELLOWSHIP digs themselves out.
GIMLI: Has anyone else noticed this is not working?
GANDALF: I guess we could go through your mines. Frodo? You decide.
FRODO: What, like I've ever been here before?
GANDALF: Decide anyway.
FRODO: Fine. Since it sucks to have bare feet on a glacier, I vote for the mines.
GANDALF: Back down the mountain, everyone!
LEGOLAS: I can walk on top on the snow. Anyone want a piggyback ride?
FELLOWSHIP causes another avalanche in their rush to take LEGOLAS up on his offer.
FRONT DOOR TO MORIA
FELLOWSHIP is staring blankly at riddle.
GANDALF: "Speak friend and enter"? Hm. I'm at a loss. Anyone have a credit card? I could pick the lock.
FRODO: No, wait - Gandalf, what's the Elvish word for "friend"?
LEGOLAS: Oh, don't ask the ELF or anything.
WATCHER IN WATER taps FRODO on the shoulder with a tentacle.
WATCHER: 'Scuse me, do you know what time it is?
FELLOWSHIP freaks out and fires arrows at it.
WATCHER: Well, if you're going to be like that, I'll just find the watch myself...
WATCHER picks up FRODO and tries to shake stuff out of his pockets. FELLOWSHIP, amid much hysteria, rescues FRODO and runs away into the mines.
WATCHER: What? Hey, wait, you didn't close the door! I'll get that for you. Oops...guess I don't know my own strength. Hey, you! Pony! Do you happen to have the time?
Darkness. GANDALF's staff lights up, illuminating the caves.
GANDALF: Luckily, I just replaced the batteries in this thing. Let's go.
FRODO: Gandalf, Gollum's following us.
GANDALF: I know.
FRODO: And I don't like it.
FRODO: And I wish I never saw the stupid Ring in the first place.
GANDALF: Well, gosh, look at the bright side: at least your poor little feet aren't buried in the nasty snow anymore. That's what you wanted, isn't it?
FRODO: Hey, I could do without the sarcasm.
They find a tomb and a lot of dwarf skeletons.
GIMLI: Oh. So that's why Balin never answered any of my calls.
PIPPIN flings a skeleton into a well. The echoes resound throughout the caves.
ORCS: Let's go Mor-dor! (*thud thud thud-thud-thud*) Let's go Mor-dor! (*thud thud thud-thud-thud*)
GANDALF: Great, 'cause you know what I was just saying the other day? "Why not bring Pippin along? We need someone to cause unholy amounts of noise and wake up every living goblin in Moria."
They fight a TROLL and several ORCS and GOBLINS. Before being brought down by CG LEGOLAS, the TROLL manages to spear FRODO. FELLOWSHIP clusters around him.
FRODO: I'm okay. See? (exposes sparkly camisole)
ARAGORN: Um, I think you may have a concussion, Frodo. Now is not the time to show us your underwear.
GANDALF: It's armor. And don't discourage him from such ideas.
They run across a toppling bridge. A BALROG rears up behind them.
GANDALF: It's okay; I've got this one. Balrog, Flame of Udun, good evening. As a duly designated representative of the country of Middle-earth, I order you to cease any and all evil supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!
ARAGORN: Yeah, that ought to do it. Thanks, Gandalf.
BALROG catches GANDALF in his whip, and pulls him into the abyss.
FRODO: Oh my God, he killed Gandalf!
BOROMIR: That bastard!
BOROMIR: Yes. Yes, this sucks.
LEGOLAS: I am confused. What just happened?
ARAGORN: Would you crybabies get up? We have places to be.
FRODO turns around slowly. Tears spill down his face.
ARAGORN: Oh, great. Come on, guys, now we really have to run. By nightfall these hills will be swarming with fangirls trying to hug Frodo and make him feel better.
FOREST NEAR LOTHLORIEN
GIMLI: Everyone be quiet! I hear there are big ugly Elves around here, and—oops.
ELVES are surrounding them with arrows drawn. HALDIR sashays out from among them.
HALDIR: How do you do? I see you've met my faithful handymen.
ARAGORN: Haldir of Lorien, oh great swishy one, we need you to take us to your leader. I insist. I insist in Elvish.
HALDIR: How forceful you are, Aragorn. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. You must be awfully proud of him, Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Well, yes, I am.
FRODO: Agh! If I throw rice and toilet paper, will you people knock it off and take us into Lothlorien?
REST OF CAST: (sulking) Fine. But there BETTER be a Rocky-Horror-style viewing of 'Lord of the Rings' someday.
FRODO: (*sigh*) Don't worry. I doubt there's any way to avoid it.
GALADRIEL and CELEBORN walk down some white steps and greet the FELLOWSHIP.
CELEBORN: Welcome. I have plugged in the all-white Christmas lights. I hope you find them pleasant.
GALADRIEL: Good evening. I see you lost Gandalf. Do better next time. I will now proceed to read your minds, and oh for the love of mercy, Aragorn, stop thinking about tying up my granddaughter that way.
FRODO: (as voice in his own mind) Um, that was me.
GALADRIEL: (as voice in FRODO's mind) No, you were thinking about resting your face in her bosom on some horseback ride, and – hey! Don't bring ME into it!
FRODO: I'm glad you could sneak out and meet me.
GALADRIEL: Don't flatter yourself, Frodo Baggins. Look in the mirror.
FRODO: I have something on my face?
GALADRIEL: Just look.
FRODO: Whoa! The Shire's being destroyed! That's awful!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: I bet we'll see that in the third movie. That's going to be totally cool.
PETER JACKSON: (*cough*) Yes, well.
FRODO: I can't take the pressure. Here. Have the Ring.
RING: Hey, pretty lady. You and me would look GORGEOUS together. Touch me, that's it…come closer…
GALADRIEL: Ooh…if I had the Ring, I could…I could turn GREEN! And BLACK! And make my voice all WEIRD and WARPED, and make THUNDER resound throughout the forest!
FRODO: Holy cow.
GALADRIEL: Dear me. How unladylike. I apologize.
FRODO: Frankly, I don't think you NEED the Ring to freak the hell out of people. You're doing just fine without it.
FELLOWSHIP gets out of boats.
LEGOLAS: The western shore causes me angst. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind.
ARAGORN: That's pretty. Did you write it yourself?
MERRY: Dude. Go find Frodo. We've been here, like, thirty seconds and you already lost track of him.
ARAGORN: Wow, you're right.
BOROMIR: Hi, kiddo. Can I see your Ring?
BOROMIR: I just want to borrow it.
BOROMIR: Come ON.
BOROMIR: Don't make me hit you.
FRODO: Don't make me get invisible and hit YOU.
BOROMIR: Oof. Hm, good one. Damn, I need one of those rings.
FOREST, HIGHER UP
ARAGORN: There you are.
FRODO: Strider, I'm leaving the Fellowship and striking out on my own.
ARAGORN: Well, solo albums seldom do very well, but if you feel you must...
ARAGORN kneels and looks at the RING in FRODO's hand.
RING: Ohhh, Aragorn, you're so big and powerful...take me...please...
ARAGORN folds FRODO's fingers over the RING and backs away.
RING: Ugh. These @#$*&% goody-two-shoes never do what I want. That's it; I'm not talking to anyone anymore.
ARAGORN: Uh-oh. Blue light special on aisle nine, Frodo.
ARAGORN: Sting. Glowing. Orcs. Go!
FRODO: Oh! Gotcha.
FRODO runs away.
ARAGORN finds BOROMIR on the ground, with arrows in him.
BOROMIR: The Orcs kidnapped Merry and Pippin.
ARAGORN: Eh, no biggie. How are you?
BOROMIR: Been better. Hey, I'm sorry I called you a dork. Captain, my captain.
ARAGORN: I'm not sure this is an appropriate time to quote a gay poet. But I forgive you.
BOROMIR: And tell Frodo I'm sorry I molested him.
BOROMIR: And tell my brother I've always been jealous of his slender waist, and I'm sorry for all the times I called him a girly-man.
BOROMIR: I used to borrow my dad's horse without asking. It was very wrong of me and I'm sorry.
ARAGORN: Do I need to get a pen and write all this down?
BOROMIR: No, I'm done. (*dies*)
FRODO, alone, holding RING miserably, hears GANDALF's voice in his head.
AUDIENCE: Oh, sure, bring back the voice of the dead guy. Like I wasn't on the verge of tears already. Now poor Frodo's crying...(*sniffle*)
SKEPTICS IN AUDIENCE: I thought you said you could never take him seriously, when the movie started.
AUDIENCE: Did I? I can't recall my life before, now.
FRODO jumps into a boat and paddles out into the river. SAM comes crashing after him.
SAM: Wait for me! I'll kill myself if you don't!
FRODO: (rescuing him) What are you, one of my fangirls?
SAM: I am, sir. Your very biggest fan.
FRODO: Aw, come on, Sam, you're not that fat. Don't be so hard on yourself.
RIVERBANK, A FEW MINUTES LATER
LEGOLAS: The evil jewelry is out of our reach. Now what do we do?
ARAGORN: Guess we should rescue Merry and Pippin. Frodo might get mad if we lose them.
GIMLI: So? Not like we'll ever see him again.
ARAGORN: You'll get to split Orcs' heads with your axe.
GIMLI: Oh! Now there's a good reason. I'm in.
CLIFF OVERLOOKING SCENIC MORDOR
SAM: Was nice knowing those guys.
FRODO: Yep. Well, let's go.
SAM and FRODO start walking. Credits roll.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: What?? That's it?? That's not an ending!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Were you not aware that it was a trilogy?
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: That shouldn't matter! I want closure!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK shove a paperback copy of 'The Two Towers' into the hands of PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, and walk off, grumbling about illiterates.