A Lord of the Rings Therapy Session
By Rebecca Suzan

 

We open on a clinic, in front; we zoom in on a sign that reads, "Closed today for private group session." Inside the clinic, in the main room, we see the Lord of The Rings characters seated in a large circle with the clinic director (a somewhat spacey woman) seated between Frodo and Faramir.

Clinic Director: I'd like to welcome you all here today; hopefully we will be able to discuss any issues you may have with one another.

We pan around the circle to see Frodo casting an angsty glance at Boromir, Faramir nervously glaring at his father Denethor, Gollum hissing at Sam who looks very annoyed, Haldir primping himself in a mirror, Aragorn tapping his foot nervously and looking testy, Saruman clinging to a bottle of bleach and looking at Gandalf, Merry and Pippin who are quietly minding there own business, and Eowyn who is ready to throw a chair at Arwen. Also seated are Legolas, Gimli, Elrond, and Grima Wormtounge.

Clinic Director: So, who would like to start? Legolas? [She looks at Legolas who squints and just stares back as if he is in deep concentration] Ok then, Aragorn?

Aragorn: I cannot, no [stands up and raises his voice] I will not be responsible for that kind of power! [Sits down and lowers his voice, realizing his embarrassment] I'm sorry, but no, I do not want to go first.

Clinic Director: Ok...[she turns to Faramir] Faramir?

Faramir: If father bids me to go first, I will.

Denethor: I'd rather listen to Boromir...

Faramir: [yells] Well too bad! [Settles down and lowers voice] Hi, my name is Faramir and I am severely lacking a role model and the attention I deserve from my father.

All: Hi, Faramir.

Clinic Director: Hello Faramir, would you like to share your problem with us?

Faramir: It's all because of him! [points to Denethor seated across the room] He loves Boromir more then he loves me and it's unfair...

Denethor: [rolls his eyes] Let your brother speak, we don't care about your petty problem.

Faramir: [all worked up] See! See! This is what I'm talking about.

Clinic Director: Ok, ok, calm down. Boromir, anything to add? Any comments?

Boromir: [glaring at Frodo, his eyes fixed on the One Ring hanging from the chain around his neck. He stands up to speak with his eyes on the Ring the entire time.] Hello, I am Boromir.

All: [cutting him off] Hi Boromir.

Boromir: I am a weak man, you see... I have a greed problem. [He takes a few steps towards Frodo who shudders, which diverts Boromir's attention away from the Ring.]

Denethor: This is my fault, I sent Boromir to retrieve the Ring for Gondor...

Faramir: I told you should have sent me!!

Denethor: Did I hear something?

Faramir: [starts to cry and storms out the room]

Eowyn: Come back my love! [Stands to run after him]

Arwen: [in an obnoxious tone] You can't have both of them, you know.

Aragorn: Everyone is pulling me all directions around here...you'd think I was king or something...

[Gandalf, Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]

Aragorn: Well I'm not! I am not King and I will never be King!

Clinic Director: Would you like to introduce yourself?

Aragorn: Hello, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and I have commitment issues.

All: Hi Aragorn.

Boromir: Why does he always have to add in the, 'Son of Arathorn part?' Geez, you'd think his ancestors were famous or something.

[Once again, Gandalf, Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]

Grima: Well as far as I'm concerned, 'Mr. Dunedain' here can have the whiny elf-princess. It leaves my fair Eowyn free for me. [Waives to Eowyn]

[Aragorn (who is seated next to Haldir) and Haldir wince in disgust]

Arwen: Who are you calling whiny, snake-face?

Eowyn: Go ahead Aragorn, tell her you want me instead!

Aragorn: I...I...TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!

Gandalf: Settle down now, [turns and stares at Aragorn] we're using our indoor voices.

Saruman: Oh, shut up! What do you know? Just because you're Gandalf the White now, doesn't mean you know everything!

Clinic Director: I'm sensing some jealousy...

Saruman: Me? Jealous...of him? I don't think so...

Gandalf: Yeah, you're not jealous...that's why you stranded me on top of Orthanc, right?

Frodo: So that's where you were all that time!

Sam: [Grabs Frodo's hand] Everything is ok now Mr. Frodo, I'm here to take care of you.

Gollum: Stupid fat hobbit! [Sam glares at Gollum] Master has ussss now. Master doesn't need you anymore.

Smeagol: Yes precioussss, Master takes cares of us now.

[Sam curtly throws Frodo's hand out of his]

Gimli: So it has all been in vain!

Haldir: What, couldn't think of anything original so you took a line right from the script? [He tilts his head up and away from Gimli symbolizing his superiority]

Clinic Director: And who are you?

Haldir: I am Haldir, captain of the guards of Lothlorien and I am better than anyone else in the world.

Arwen: Speak for yourself...daddy, tell him how I'm the best in the world!

Elrond: Daughter, there are just some things in this world I just can't do. I'm sorry. Oh, by the way, I can't let you stay here, you're taking the ship to Valinor. I will not allow you to waste your time waiting for him [points to Aragorn] to become king.

Eowyn: YES!!

Aragorn: I'm not going to become king!!

[Again, Gandalf, Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]

Pippin: [cluelessly chiming in] So when do we get to eat? I'm ready for Elevensies.

Merry: Yeah, anyone have some ale? Maybe some Longbottom Leaf for after we eat?

Clinic Director: I'm sorry, there's no smoking in the building, you'll have to go outside.

Legolas: Good, I don't want to inhale black smoke so my perfectly clean lungs will turn black, yuck!

[Everyone in the room turns and stares at Legolas]

Legolas: What? Do I have a hair out of place?

[Suddenly Boromir jumps up and makes a grab for the Ring around Frodo's neck but Gandalf hits him in the head with his staff before the Ring can be taken. Boromir is now unconscious on the floor.]

Denethor: What have you done to my one and only son!?

Faramir: [His wavering voices echoes from outside the room in the hallway] He's not your only son!!

Denethor: I must get him to the Houses of Healing, quickly! [Gets up and starts dragging Boromir by the ankles]

Aragorn: Athelas! Athelas always does the trick!

[Denethor exits with Boromir. The doors shut and outside we hear voices.]

Denethor: Hey, you there, will you help me carry my son?

Faramir: You don't even know my name!?

Denethor: Have we met before?

[Back inside the main room]

Clinic Director: Ok then, I guess we couldn't be of help to them. So whose turn is it?

Sam: Mine, I guess. I'm Samwise Gamgee and I am a servant to Mr. Frodo

All [that are left]: Hi Sam!

Frodo: No one ever said you were my servant Sam. My gardener and my friend yes, but servant, no.

Sam: But that's what it feels like Mr. Frodo! [assumes Frodo's voice and proceeds to mimic him] 'Sam, I need water, Sam break me off a piece of Lembas, Sam carry me up Mt. Doom.' That's all I ever do is serve you!

[Gollum grins]

Gollum: [To himself] Yes precioussss, the fat one will be gone, gone, gone!

Frodo: Oh, Sam! I'm sorry, I could never do anything without you. You're so brave...and Frodo wouldn't have gotten very far without Sam!

Haldir: Oh great, another line right from the script. You people are so below me I can't even sit in here anymore.

[Haldir gets up and walks out without another word]

Gimli: Thank Thorin! I never thought he would leave...pesky elves...

Legolas/Arwen/Elrond: [turn and glare at Gimli] HEY!

Merry: Well Pip, what do you say we go out and have ourselves a smoke?

Pippin: Ok!

[As Pippin gets up to leave, he walks past Saruman, knocking into the bottle of bleach which spills all over Gandalf]

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! It will take a 3-day soak in the Anduin to get rid of this stain!

[Gandalf leaves in a huff]

Saruman: Where are you going? Do not think this is over! You owe me a new bottle of bleach...its the only way I can change this stupid multi-colored cloak and become white again!

Pippin: Did I do something wrong?

Merry: Yes, you always do something wrong Pip! C'mon, lets find Gandalf before he sends Gwahir after you!

[Merry and Pippin exit]

Grima: Where Saruman goes, I must follow. Eowyn dear, are you coming?

Eowyn: Leave me alone, snake!

Grima: That hurts, that really hurts. Eh, you'll come around...[blows Eowyn a kiss and exits]

Clinic Director: Well, there was certainly a lot going on there.

Aragorn: There is always something happening. I can't take it anymore!

Eowyn: You're way too whiny for me! Elfy, you can have him...I'm coming Faramir, my strong, Gondorian captain! [Eowyn leaves]

Arwen: Finally! Are you ready to go and prove yourself to all of Middle-Earth and regain the throne of Gondor so we can be together in wedded bliss?

Aragorn: [Staring at Arwen, nervously] You've got this all planned out don't you?

Elrond: I forbid it!

Arwen: I have made my choice! [She jumps up, grabs Aragorn and drags him out of the room]

Elrond: [Gets up and starts walking out. We see him hitting the side of his head with his fist] Stupid Elrond, stupid Elrond. You have the gift of foresight...this could've been prevented! Stupid Elrond. [Exits]

Clinic Director: Well, Sam, Gollum, Frodo, Legolas, Gimli, at least you're still here.

Gimli: Actually, I have some Glittering Caves to explore, you coming elf?

Legolas: Caves...ew...dirt. I'll only go if you explore Lothlorien with me.

Gimli: Sure! The Lady of the Light was such a babe... [Exit Legolas and Gimli]

Frodo: Well everyone, I know what I must do.

Sam: I'll go with you to the end Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Ok...but itís just down the block..

[Sam looks confused]

Gollum: No! Don't take The Ring to HIM!

Frodo: But he's the best one in town!

[Gollum looks confused]

Frodo: He's the only jeweler I know who would resize this thing to fit a Hobbit's finger.

[Exit Frodo followed by Sam and Gollum]

Clinic Director: I think that was productive...