A Lord of the Rings Therapy Session|
By Rebecca Suzan
open on a clinic, in front; we zoom in on a sign that reads, "Closed today
for private group session." Inside the clinic, in the main room, we see
the Lord of The Rings characters seated in a large circle with the clinic
director (a somewhat spacey woman) seated between Frodo and Faramir.
Director: I'd like to welcome you all here today;
hopefully we will be able to discuss any issues you may have with one another.
pan around the circle to see Frodo casting an angsty glance at Boromir, Faramir
nervously glaring at his father Denethor, Gollum hissing at Sam who looks very
annoyed, Haldir primping himself in a mirror, Aragorn tapping his foot
nervously and looking testy, Saruman clinging to a bottle of bleach and looking
at Gandalf, Merry and Pippin who are quietly minding there own business, and
Eowyn who is ready to throw a chair at Arwen. Also seated are Legolas, Gimli,
Elrond, and Grima Wormtounge.
Director: So, who would like to start? Legolas? [She looks at Legolas who squints and just
stares back as if he is in deep concentration] Ok then, Aragorn?
I cannot, no [stands up and raises his
voice] I will not be responsible for that kind of power! [Sits down and lowers his voice, realizing
his embarrassment] I'm sorry, but no, I do not want to go first.
turns to Faramir] Faramir?
If father bids me to go first, I will.
I'd rather listen to Boromir...
[yells] Well too
bad! [Settles down and lowers voice]
Hi, my name is Faramir and I am severely lacking a role model and the attention
I deserve from my father.
Director: Hello Faramir, would you like to share your
problem with us?
It's all because of him! [points to
Denethor seated across the room] He loves Boromir more then he loves me and
[rolls his eyes]
Let your brother speak, we don't care about your
[all worked up] See! See! This is
what I'm talking about.
Director: Ok, ok, calm down. Boromir, anything to add?
[glaring at Frodo, his eyes fixed on the
One Ring hanging from the chain around his neck. He stands up to speak with his
eyes on the Ring the entire time.] Hello, I am Boromir.
[cutting him off]
I am a weak man, you see... I have a greed problem. [He takes a few steps towards Frodo who shudders, which diverts
Boromir's attention away from the Ring.]
This is my fault, I sent Boromir to retrieve the Ring for
I told you should have sent me!!
Did I hear something?
[starts to cry and storms out the room]
Come back my love! [Stands to run after
[in an obnoxious tone]
You can't have both of them, you know.
Everyone is pulling me all directions around here...you'd think I was king or
Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]
Well I'm not! I am not King and I will never be King!
Director: Would you like to introduce yourself?
Hello, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and I have commitment issues.
Why does he always have to add in the, 'Son of Arathorn part?' Geez, you'd think
his ancestors were famous or something.
again, Gandalf, Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]
Well as far as I'm concerned, 'Mr. Dunedain' here can have the whiny
elf-princess. It leaves my fair Eowyn free for me. [Waives to Eowyn]
is seated next to Haldir) and Haldir
wince in disgust]
Who are you calling whiny, snake-face?
Go ahead Aragorn, tell her you want me instead!
I...I...TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!
Settle down now, [turns and stares at
Aragorn] we're using our indoor voices.
Oh, shut up! What do you know? Just because you're Gandalf the White now,
doesn't mean you know everything!
Director: I'm sensing some jealousy...
Me? Jealous...of him? I don't think so...
Yeah, you're not jealous...that's why you stranded me on top of Orthanc, right?
So that's where you were all that time!
[Grabs Frodo's hand] Everything is ok now Mr. Frodo, I'm
here to take care of you.
Stupid fat hobbit! [Sam glares at Gollum]
Master has ussss now. Master doesn't need you anymore.
Yes precioussss, Master takes cares of us now.
curtly throws Frodo's hand out of his]
So it has all been in vain!
What, couldn't think of anything original so you took a line right from the
script? [He tilts his head up and away
from Gimli symbolizing his superiority]
Director: And who are you?
I am Haldir, captain of the guards of Lothlorien and I am better than anyone
else in the world.
Speak for yourself...daddy, tell him how I'm the best in the world!
Daughter, there are just some things in this world I just can't do. I'm sorry.
Oh, by the way, I can't let you stay here, you're taking the ship to Valinor. I
will not allow you to waste your time waiting for him [points to Aragorn] to become king.
I'm not going to become king!!
Gandalf, Arwen, and Elrond groan and roll their eyes]
[cluelessly chiming in]
So when do we get to eat? I'm ready for Elevensies.
Yeah, anyone have some ale? Maybe some Longbottom Leaf for after we eat?
Director: I'm sorry, there's no smoking in the building,
you'll have to go outside.
Good, I don't want to inhale black smoke so my perfectly clean lungs will turn
in the room turns and stares at Legolas]
What? Do I have a hair out of place?
Boromir jumps up and makes a grab for the Ring around Frodo's neck but Gandalf
hits him in the head with his staff before the Ring can be taken. Boromir is
now unconscious on the floor.]
What have you done to my one and only son!?
[His wavering voices echoes from outside
the room in the hallway] He's not your only son!!
I must get him to the Houses of Healing, quickly! [Gets up
and starts dragging Boromir by the ankles]
Athelas! Athelas always does the trick!
exits with Boromir. The doors shut and outside we hear voices.]
Hey, you there, will you help me carry my son?
You don't even know my name!?
Have we met before?
inside the main room]
Director: Ok then, I guess we couldn't be of help to
them. So whose turn is it?
Mine, I guess. I'm Samwise Gamgee and I am a servant to Mr. Frodo
All [that are left]: Hi Sam!
No one ever said you were my servant Sam. My gardener and my
friend yes, but servant, no.
But that's what it feels like Mr. Frodo! [assumes
Frodo's voice and proceeds to mimic him] 'Sam, I need water, Sam break me
off a piece of Lembas, Sam carry me up Mt. Doom.' That's all I ever do is serve
[To himself] Yes
precioussss, the fat one will be gone, gone, gone!
Oh, Sam! I'm sorry, I could never do anything without you.
You're so brave...and Frodo wouldn't have gotten very far without Sam!
Oh great, another line right from the script. You people are so below me I
can't even sit in here anymore.
gets up and walks out without another word]
Thank Thorin! I never thought he would leave...pesky elves...
[turn and glare at
Well Pip, what do you say we go out and have ourselves a
gets up to leave, he walks past Saruman, knocking into the bottle of bleach
which spills all over Gandalf]
Fool of a Took! It will take a 3-day soak in the Anduin to get rid of this
leaves in a huff]
Where are you going? Do not think this is over! You owe me a
new bottle of bleach...its the only way I can change this stupid multi-colored
cloak and become white again!
Did I do something wrong?
Yes, you always do something wrong Pip! C'mon, lets find
Gandalf before he sends Gwahir after you!
Where Saruman goes, I must follow. Eowyn dear, are you coming?
Leave me alone, snake!
That hurts, that really hurts. Eh, you'll come around...[blows Eowyn a kiss and exits]
Director: Well, there was certainly a lot going on there.
There is always something happening. I can't take it anymore!
You're way too whiny for me! Elfy, you can have him...I'm coming Faramir, my
strong, Gondorian captain! [Eowyn leaves]
Finally! Are you ready to go and prove yourself to all of Middle-Earth and
regain the throne of Gondor so we can be together in wedded bliss?
[Staring at Arwen, nervously] You've
got this all planned out don't you?
I forbid it!
I have made my choice! [She jumps up,
grabs Aragorn and drags him out of the room]
[Gets up and starts walking out. We see
him hitting the side of his head with his fist] Stupid Elrond, stupid
Elrond. You have the gift of foresight...this could've been prevented! Stupid
Director: Well, Sam, Gollum, Frodo, Legolas, Gimli, at
least you're still here.
Actually, I have some Glittering Caves to explore, you coming elf?
Caves...ew...dirt. I'll only go if you explore Lothlorien with me.
Sure! The Lady of the Light was such a babe... [Exit Legolas and Gimli]
Well everyone, I know what I must do.
I'll go with you to the end Mr. Frodo!
Ok...but itís just down the block..
No! Don't take The Ring to HIM!
But he's the best one in town!
He's the only jeweler I know who would resize this thing to fit a Hobbit's
Frodo followed by Sam and Gollum]
Director: I think that was productive...