I had another topic for this story... but reading through it... it totally stank... you could tell I seemed to be in a hurry writing it, and then I didn't really have a plot... but now I do! And so, here it is new and improved:
(note: everything here has been spell checked, edited, changed, and double changed already... though punctuation I'm not so sure about! So that's one place where critique is welcome!)

Prologue

BOOM! The evening sky lit up in a flash of light. BANG! Another blast, lighting up the sky and covering the falling sun with thick black clouds. POW! With a third blast white light streaked the sky, pushing the clouds away. BOOM, another explosion. A figure clad in white armor, hair of every color draped on the shoulders, and a silver helm on her brow stood against a demon whose body consorted of many different animals, both vile and fair.
The white clad figure, Starrion sent a bolt of light from her palm. BANG! The light exploded around the demon, blinding him. A deafening screech filled the air, a scream that would bring mortals to their knees. The demon, Darccos, picked up a nearby rock with his serpent's tail, and threw it. In one easy stride, it was dodged.
"Getting desprate, Darccos? You cannot win, you know that!" The voice rang out loud and clear across the valley.
"Desprate? Ha! I save my best for last," Darccos scoffed, grinning wolfishly, for his head was in fact that of a wolf. "Everto of Malum Unus, exorior quod take is Angli pro bonus." The chant echoed through the valley, to North, South, East, and West. The earth shook, and started to crack.
"No!" Starrion cried and started to sing. "Senior of Dominatio, Rex rgis of Rex rgis. Oh Valde Unus, subsisto everto in suum semita quod verto lemma ut calx." The earth stilled. Starrion then lifted up a white clad hand and yelled to the heavens, "Adeo mihi mucro of Senior!" A white sword with wings of angles upon it's hilt emerged from the air itself in Starrion's hand.
Darccos lifted a hand of his own, and spoke, "Mucro of malum adeo mihi!" A black sword, gnarled and distorted flew from a crack in the ground to the demon's hand. "Let us parry, shall we?"

The demon and the angle circled each other. Round and round, watching carefully at the other's moves. Finally the first move was made. Starrion lunged at Darccos, giving a blow that was blocked and countered. The black blade hit the white breast plate, giving off a ring. The high pitch hurt the demon's ears, stunning him. Starrion took advantage, swung her sword, and cut off a scale covered arm. It fell to the ground and turned to dust. Darccos roared with rage, dropped his sword, and grasped the stump that was left in place of an arm. Starrion watched as a breeze blew the dust away, unflinching to the demon's cries.
Acid saliva dripped out of the demon's mouth and simmered the earth as his fury tripled.
"You will pay for that, wench," he spat, and spoke the same chant as before, "Everto of Malum Unus , exorior quod take is Angli pro bonus." The earth shook again, the cracks widened as fire burst out. Starrion gasped.
"How can you do the spell twice? It's impossible," She cried, and lunged again at Darccos. But before she took a single step, fell beasts and lesser demons jumped out of the cracks in the earth and grabbed Starrion. Four demons at every limb, and a tall one grabbed her neck, another her sword. Darccos laughed maliciously.
"Don't you get it, whelp? I am stronger than you think, fueled by rage. You and your Great One had no hope of victory from the moment my master became a demon. What makes you think you alone can defeat the great power of the Evil One? Hm? Take her to my dungeon, and I want her alive," he spat. Starrion didn't have the strength to struggle against so many. She was dragged into the biggest crack, and Darccos followed after her. Before the fire that brought the demons diminished, Starrion called out a single word.
"Elementals!" It echoed across the valley, clear and desperate. Every creature heard and shivered, knowing what had happened.

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

Thats really good, Eru. The only think I think you could do to make it better is change a few of the BOOM's to other words. Its a tad over used. Other than thats I thinks its great!!!

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I was Nymphadora Tonks

Thanks! Yay, someone read it!

Yeah... not sure what else to put... any ideas? or I could reword it...

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

it's great!!!

Thanks! And I changed the wording of the first paragraph a bit so I don't over do the Booms... lol!
And here's the next part:


ch.1
part 1

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NYC, New York
Donwin took sharp breaths between gritted teeth. He felt all over his chest for the source of the sharp pain with his hands, tenderly touching his rib cage. He paused, inhaling sharply when he discovered a broken rib. There was nothing he could do about that, not in this cell. Not in Juvy. He felt around a bruised eye, knowing that in a few hours it would be a black eye. And to go with the broken rib, and black eye, went a missing molar, and scrapes and bruises over the rest of his body.
Long bangs covered almond shaped gray eyes. A stout nose accented his long face as did his sternly shaped mouth. What was usually pale skin, was now turning black and blue in places that weren't covered by a black t-shirt-which was slightly ripped at the collar-and jeans. It was a fight well won, Donwin thought to himself. I taught that kid a lesson that he'll never forget.

Donwin sat on the top bunk of a cell made for two people. He was glad that they had put him in a cell by himself for once. Other times, when the juvenile police put him in with another kid, there was trouble of all kinds.
Time passed slowly for Donwin, who would have rather been outside, but knew why he had been put in there in the first place. Donwin had just shrugged it off, and took his punishment quietly like always. Unlike other teens, he didn't put up a fight. He didn't care. Maybe the first or second time he'd cared and struggled, but not anymore.

Donwin heard footsteps come to his cell and open the door with jangling keys.
"You're mother's here to pick you up, Donwin," the baritone voice of the guard announced. Donwin nodded, and climbed off of the bunk bed carefully, and walked out into the corridor. The guard walked with him, and didn't need to lead for the boy had been there long enough to know where to go.
They came to a barred door. The guard ran a card through a slot and pressed a button to make the door slide open. As Donwin walked through, the guard called after him.
"Try to stay out of trouble again, Donny. Your permanent record is rough as it is." The door closed behind the boy, and he was joined by two guards to escort him to the office. I don't care what's on my permanent record, he thought as he walked through a series of halls and into a room with chairs, and a reception desk. A lady sat on the phone behind the desk. Another woman, with a brown messy bun, short skirt, tights, high heals, and blouse that seemed too small for her, wrote on a clipboard on the other side of the desk. When she looked up and saw Donwin, she came over and hugged him, then held him back at the shoulders to get a look at him.
"Donny! Darlin', are you alright? Oh, you've got a black eye. And look, bruises all over you," Kiss-as her name was-pushed back some of Donwin's bangs to get a better look at his face. The boy in return pulled away, and didn't even look at his mother. Kiss sighed sadly, and went to finish filling out the papers on the clip board.

A few minutes later they rode in a red Mercedes convertible with the hood up because it was raining. Kiss drove, speeding half the time. Donwin rode in the passenger's seat next to her, staring out the window. The rain didn't help his mood. For a long time both were silent, but Kiss broke the silence.
"Why, Donny?" She asked, but Donwin didn't answer or flinch. His mom stopped the car abruptly, the rode being empty for the moment. "Donwin Chris Lorenze, answer me!"
"Answer what?" Donwin retorted.
"Why? Why do I have to pick you up from that place three times a week? Why do you constantly get into fights, and shop lift? I thought your dad and I had taught you better than that," she was almost yelling. Donwin's temper spiked.
"Maybe I wouldn't have to shop lift if I had a mom that bought food instead of useless stuff!" He was the one yelling, "Ever since dad died, things have gone from bad to worse. I hardly ever see you, I hardly ever saw you before... yet you think you taught me something? Give me a break! The only thing you've taught me is that life stinks," he snapped, getting out of the car.
"Donwin, get back in here, I'm not done talking to..."
"I wish dad were still alive," he cut her off, and ran off the rode and into a vacant alley. He crossed his arms in front of him as he walked hurriedly toward the one place where no one bothered him, every step agony and full of pain. Soon he was soaked to the bone, and standing just inside the doors to a small library. He made his way to the back where they kept the reference books. Nobody hardly came there, and there was a slight draft through that part of the building.
Donwin sat down and leaned against a book shelf at the back of the library among the books starting with 'X', 'Y', and 'Zs'. This happened almost every time. A fight with his mom on the way home, and him running to the only place he knows where his mom won't look for him, or anyone would look for him in that matter. Within a few minutes, the patter of the rain on the windows, and the warm draft put him in a quiet dreamless sleep.

When Donwin awoke, the rain had stopped, and the library was eerily quiet and dark. I must have slept passed closing hours. Oh well, I'll just stay here until they open again, he thought, and lay down on the carpet tenderly. The warm air in the back of the library had already dried him off quiet a bit, and he didn't feel cold like he expected to feel.
As he lay down, and looked at the row of books closest to the floor in front of him, he noticed a book without a title on it's spine. Frowning, Donwin sat up, and pulled out the book. It was thick and old, bound in a red leather cover. On the front it has the word 'Onercs' written in gold curved letters. Donwin opened the book, and started reading, curious on what this book was about and how it got there. It seemed really old, which also caught his attention.
It talked about a small island, maybe only a few miles wide and a few miles long. In each corner of the island was made specially for an element. In the Northwest corner were white mountains, where the winds always blew between the many peaks. From there you could watch the sun set in the West. In the Southwest, a giant sandbar that was that corner of the island, full of fish life, and always underwater no matter what tide it should be. In the Northeast stood many volcanoes full of fire, and cracks with fire licking out of them. The last corner, the Southeast corner, was a forest full of every kind of tree, grass, and bush.
What interested Donwin the most, flipping through the pages, were the white mountains. They seemed the loveliest, and most peaceful of the four regions. Then Donwin came to a map. It showed the four corners and what kind of environment they were, but in the middle of the island, it showed an eight-legged star. Strange, Donwin thought, and turned to the next page. It showed an pastel picture of the mountains, and the beautiful sunset you could see from it's highest peak. The sky was gold and pink and purple, and in the distance you could make out the shadow of two birds in the distance.
For awhile, Donwin just stared at the picture in awe. He had never seen anything as beautiful as that illustration. He put a hand on it, and suddenly the book disappeared in a flash. The next thing he knew, the floor fell out from under him, and he was falling under the library and into darkness. He saw nothing, heard nothing, smelt nothing, but felt like he was falling. Then he felt something hit his head hard, and he remembered nothing more.

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

I like it, Raina! Donwin's a real personality, isn't he? I think he makes a charming main character. From the moment you're introduced to him, you want him to succeed in whatever he does, which takes a lot of skill as a writer.

Keep it up!

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<center>“Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed.”
at one point, I was alejandrah.

Thanks! And he's one of four! lol! There's four parts to chapter one, each introducing a new main character!

Suprisingly, Donwin is probably one of the eisiest characters to write for out of the four...

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

Yes, I agree, Raina, excellent work! I just one suggestion.



You might want to try using a different word than "picture". It begins to sound repetitive.

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<center>
Thanks to Revenge for the lovely set!
~Married Legolas of Gondolin April 6, 2006~<center>

How about... image or illustration?

"For awhile, Donwin just stared at the picture in awe. He had never seen anything as beautiful as that image."

"For awhile, Donwin just stared at the picture in awe. He had never seen anything as beautiful as that illustration."

I think I like illustration better.

And thanks for commenting, Milu!

Edit:

Here's part 2!

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LA, California
Tresha sat at the end of a long table, her friends on either side of her.
"...and then as soon as they announced I was the winner, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, I can't believe it.' But I could believe it because I, like, have the brains and the beauty," she said, smiling with joy at her victory at the state spelling bee. In the middle of the table stood the trophy with a big bumble bee covered in letters. Tresha's friends, sitting on either side of the table who sat near her, smiled, nodded, and congratulated her. Tresha's shoulder length brown hair was pinned up in a bun, and she wore a small green halter top dress. Emeralds hung on her ears and around her neck and wrists. "And so, next month I'll be going to, like, Washington D.C. for the National spelling bee. And, I bet, just like the state one, I'll be the smartest and most beautiful one there," she added, her full red lips curved in a smile on her small face, and dainty features.
A band in the corner of the big dinning room, the classical music echoing off the walls to give it an eerie sound. On the opposite end of the long table sat dozens of presents ranging in size and color and shape. Soon servants came and cleared plates that were used to eat cake that had been specially made for the evening by private chefs.
Tresha's parents, both tall and with black hair, brown eyes, walked in. Tresha's father, Steve, had a blue-tooth on his ear, like always. He wore a black tuxedo. Beside him stood Caroline, Steve's mother, dressed in a slim black dress and plenty of gems. Steve yapped on his blue-tooth, and took a seat near the middle of the table. Caroline ignored him, and came over to the girls who talked at the end opposite the presents.
"Are you girls ready for the presents? Because I would say it's time to open them," she announced. Tresha nodded in enthusiasm, while her friends smiled, holding their moans for later. Caroline snapped her fingers and servants came out. They stood in a line from the presents to Tresha, handing her one at a time.
Most of the presents held jewelry, dresses, make-up, novels, and skin care items. Along with the occasional movie or poster or fancy pen. Soon she was handed a big huge box wrapped in light green paper, and had a dark green ribbon. She opened it to find a small box, and then an even smaller one. Soon it was down to the point where it fit inside her hand. bewildered, Tresha opened it to see a car key. She looked at her father, who was still talking on his blue-tooth on the other side of the room.
"A car?!" she called, and stood up, grinning to show sparkling white teeth. "Is it really a car?"
"Mini Cooper, just like you wanted," answered her mom.
"Green... right?"
"Erm... no, red. But we can exchange it for a green one," her mom replied.
"Exchanging it could take days, and I get my license tomorrow," she gasped in horror. "How could you do this to me? I can't drive around in a red car! It's unthinkable!" Tresha threw the key, and it hit a servant in the back.
"Now calm down, dear. You can ride in the limo until we exchange it. Like you usually do," Caroline said, stuttering a little bit, trying to make Tresha calm down. Meanwhile her friends were rolling their eyes when Tresha wasn't looking, and whispered to each other.
"But riding in a limo when I can drive! What would everyone else think? They'd mock me for the rest of my days. Call me limo-girl!" She was about to carry on when Steve came over.
"Tresha, that's enough. You will ride the limo till we can get your green car. For now go with your friends and have fun doing what ever you teen girls do these days. Me and your mother have things to do," he commanded.
"C'mon," Tresha snapped to her friends, and the group of girls walked out and to the party room, which was like a twenty first century ball room, to hang out for awhile.

~~~~~~~

Tresha stood in a forest, green and lush. The moon was full overhead, but it was red like blood. Even though the night was clear, there were no stars. The red light from the moon made the forest haunting and eerie. Tresha wanted to run from the forest, but couldn't leave the trees. She felt some impending doom drawing closer with every second she stood there. The next second, lighting flashed from an unknown source, and the trees started to blaze. Another bolt of lighting, and she was surrounded by fire.
Tresha tried to move, but found tree roots holding to her ankles, as if trying to tell her to stay and save them. The wood groaned, as if crying out in pain. Then there was a huge explosion of fire, destroying all of the plants.

Tresha sat up with a start, drenched is sweat, tears streaming down her face.
"It was just a dream..." she muttered to herself, trying to calm down. She flung her legs to the side of her bed, pushing her green silk covers aside. Glancing at her alarm clock, she realized it was 4:29. She had only been sleeping for about two hours. The party had gone on until about 2, and still Tresha hadn't gone to bed until a half hour after that.
Tresha clicked on her bedside lamp, not wanting to go to sleep for fear of having the nightmare again. She just couldn't take the cries of the trees that seemed to be calling her to help them, yet be helpless to do anything.

The brunette got up and walked over to the pile of presents sitting in the corner of the large, well furnished bedroom, and started going through the stuff. She sorted them into categories. Cloths, jewelry, books, make-up, and miscellaneous stuff. Soon she came across a book that she didn't remember getting. It seemed old, and was bound by a leather cover, and the pages were yellowing. The title had the word "Onercs" on it. Tresha checked the back, and then the inside of the front page. Unlike usual books, it didn't have anything to tell what it was about. Curiosity got the best of her, and she started flipping through the pages. Tresha didn't really even read any of the words, but just flipped through, and even missed the map. She stopped at a lush picture of a forest. That was the forest from her dreams. Tresha traced a tree's trunk with a forest-green nail. When she took her finger away, a breeze seemed to blow the pages to a black page. Then the darkness from the book seemed to drip off the pages and onto the floor. Tresha stood quickly, and dropped the book, which seemed to fall into the dark puddle made by the book. The darkness spread, covering everything it touched. It seeped under Tresha's feet, and she suddenly felt herself falling through darkness. All the blood rushed to her head, and she fainted.

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

No problem And agreed, illustration sounds better :nod:

Wow, Raina, that's awesome! Your descriptions were excellent! Really good work!

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<center>
Thanks to Revenge for the lovely set!
~Married Legolas of Gondolin April 6, 2006~<center>

I didn't know you were writing a story, Eruy! That's awesome. I think I know who you pased Tresha off of. And possibly Donwin, but I can't be too sure.

It's really good! How about posting the next bit? lol!

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Thanks! Both of you.

And you really like my descriptions? Thanks!

I bet you do know who they're based off of, DR *wink*

Okay, so here's part three out of four:

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New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Waves thundered in Recfir's ears as he paddled out on his surf board a little bit further. Already salt water from his sandy colored hair started dripping into his red colored eyes. When he figured he was far enough, he sat up carefully on his board so as not to tip over, with one leg on each side. For a minute he wasn't sure if he was going to go under, but kept his balance from months of practice. Recfir waited for a long moment, watching for the right wave. On this beach, though, there wouldn't be very many big ones, but Recfir would have to do his best to find a good sized one.
On the shore his friend's watched and waited for him to catch a wave and ride it all the way to shore, if he could. Only four other recorded pros did what Recfir was about to try. The waves just weren't that big. He declined wave after wave, being very picky about the size. The average height was maybe two to four feet on this section of beach. A few minutes later of trying to stay on his board as the waves rolled by Recfir finally picked a good sized wave. He paddled in front of it, positioning himself to face away from it, and got ready to stand.
The wave picked up his board as Recfir stood up slowly, grinning. Now all he had to do was make it till he hit sand. He was sailing smoothly for a few yards until a head popped out of the water in front of him. It was a small kid with goggles, looking at his newest treasure, a sea shell. Recfir quickly turned his board to the right and just missed hitting the kid. But he couldn't get his balance back quick enough before his board went into the air and crashed into the water. Recfir did the same, and skinned his knee on some shells. He quickly fought the current and got to his feet, sputtering and coughing, trying to get the salt water out of his lungs. It tasted horrible and stung his eyes. Before he could recover quick enough, another wave knocked him over. Next thing he knew his friends grabbed one of each of his arms and was helping him to shore. A third, a black haired boy named Don, carried his board. All of them were laughing a joking.
"You got farther than I did," said the one to his left, a tall brunett named Sid.
"If that kid hadn't gotten in the way, you would have done it. You were going smooth. That was awesome, dude," said a dirty blonde to his right who they called Smash. When they got to shore, Recfir was handed his towel so he could dry the water from his eyes.
"Turns and recoveries were always my weak points with surfing," he admitted, as he threw down his towel, and got his board back. There were a few scratches, but nothing he couldn't buff out later. "What time is it?"
"Almost three," replied Smash, checking a cell phone.
"Yeah, I've got to go. I gave to help my parents at the shop. We got a load of used books to go with the souvenirs," he said with a grin, and grabbed his towel and stuffed it into a backpack that he slung onto his still wet back, and grabbed his board. Waving good-bye to his friends, embarassment making him eager to leave, he picked up his skate board from a near by pier and started skating home. It took him awhile, trying to navigate the small streets of New Smyrna with all the tourists, most of whom were from from out of state.
When he got home, he was greeted by the bell on the shop door and his mother's friendly face behind the register of the small shop. The family of three lived in a small apartment above. Most of his life he had lived here, and had watched the town grow as it became a hot spot for visitors.
"The books are in the back. We need them sorted by genre, and then alphabetically by author's name," she informed him as he walked past her.
"Yeesh, how many books are there? I thought there was only a few dozen."
"So did I. But it turns out your father ordered a few hundred. I guess he plans to turn this into a book shop," She replied to his remark jokingly. Recfir nodded, and ran upstairs to his bedroom where he changed and put his stuff away-away as in strewn all over his bedroom floor-and went to the back of the shop to help sort the books.
The pile was daunting, and the boxes for the genres small. It would take hours, days, or weeks to sort them all. Recfir sighed, and sat down by the pile, wearing jeans and a gray hoody. He picked up one book, read the summary on the back or front inside page, and tossed it into it's alloted box. Then another book, and another. Within a few hours, the pile was half gone, the light through the window fading, his brain half dead from so many stories. Recfir decided to take a break, and leaned back onto the floor and closed his burning eyes. The salt water from his wipe out earlier hadn't helped at all that day.
When Recfir opened his red-colored eyes again, he realized the room was completely dark with the exception of the small lamp he had used to read the books' summaries. Checking his cell phone, which had been in his hoody's main pocket, he realized he had been asleep for almost three hours. It was almost ten, and he had missed supper as well as the t.v. show he watched regularly. Recfir was about to punch himself when he noticed a book that he hadn't remembered being there. Unlike the other books, which had been either paper back or hard cover, this one looked really old because it was bound by leather. Gold letters on the front said "Onercs" then under it "Elementals". Recfir's eyebrows knitted together as he opened the book and scanned the pages, skipping most of it, and only catching snatches. For all he knew it talked of some crazy island in the middle of the sea with mountains, forest, sandbar, and volcanoes. He came across a map of the land, but ignored it, and turned the page to a picture of the volcanoes. They were erupting, and all about their feet were cracks in the rock with fire licking out of it. It looked so life like, almost like it was moving.
Recfir traced a volcano with the tip of his finger, then blinked. Was it just the light, or had the fire really moved? Shaking his head, he quickly closed the book and set it on the ground. Just as he got up, the pages of the book flipped open to the picture again, and this time it was blazing to life. The fire soon spread out of the book and engulfed the room. It burnt the walls, ceiling, books, and floor. With a creak the ground gave way and he found himself falling into an abyss of blackness. His first thought was that they had a basement, but he knew that it was impossible to have basement in Florida not only because of the estuary, but because of them being at sea level. But before he could second guess, all the blood went to his head as he fell, and he fainted.

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

No problem, XD.


I thought the wording here was a bit awkward, and the word "coloured" got a bit repetitive. You might want to consider, "Already, salt water dripped into his red eyes from his sand-coloured hair". Just a suggestion. Good intro, though!



I would suggest using the word "wave" in there somewhere instead of "one".


Just a little grammatical thing here; it would be "freinds" rather than "friend's". Sorry to be so annoying, but I'm a grammar freak, XD. I realize how annoying it is. I correct my friends and family all the time . It's sort of an impulse.
Nice wording! I noticed a few little grammatical things in there, but I left them alone so as not to be annoying XD.
You might want to break that sentence up, and I've one little annoying spelling thing. You used "soar", but you were looking for its homonym, "sore". Easy mistake to make. I do it all the time, XD.


Wow! That was really good, Raina! Again, great descriptions throughout the entire piece.

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<center>
Thanks to Revenge for the lovely set!
~Married Legolas of Gondolin April 6, 2006~<center>

Finally! This is the kind of thing I'm looking for! This is no annoying, not in the bit, Milly! I'm terrible at spelling and grammer(though I'm better at it than before I was rping). I'll go through and change it when I get the chance(at the moment I'm at my Aunt's on her computer while parents watch football and find stuff to sell on Ebay...).

And I'm really happy you like my descriptions!

You make me happy and this is encouraging, Mily! Thanks!

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08

Aww no problem, Raina. I'm glad I could be of help! If you really don't find my nit-picking annoying, do you want me to go through it again?

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<center>
Thanks to Revenge for the lovely set!
~Married Legolas of Gondolin April 6, 2006~<center>

Sure! I doudt I'd be able to find the grammer errors myself, being who I am. I may be able to pick out obvious ones, but I doudt it, really. It would be a great help if you could... if it's no trouble of course.

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(}--{)Imagination Inspires Ideas -Zandain(}--{)
Married Cloud Strife 9/17/08